Lea Shariff's Self-Therapy

untitled

2012-02-07T03:13:00.002+08:00

I don't really like waiting for the unsure future

I don't know what lies ahead

and I don't know whether waiting is even worth it

i don't know.

whatever will be, will be.

Menghirup di Udara yang Sama

2012-01-31T03:06:00.003+08:00

Assalammualaikum w.b.t.

I haven't post anything for quite a long time, isn't it.
I was about to write things few weeks ago regarding something but I just couldn't. It takes courage for me to write everything.

Do you still remember my short film during my 5th semester? Entitled "Menghirup di Udara yang Sama"?
Yes? No? Well, I didn't upload it on Youtube either. So, it is okay if you didn't know.
The thing is, our main character actually passed away few weeks ago.

Yes. Pak Ngah. Whom also known as Pak Ngah Atau by locals.
First when I heard about the coma from Eleena, I cried so hard. I don't know why. Why would I cry? I don't know. I was kinda missing his existence. Missing him making phone calls and asking about things. Missing how he tells us stories of his ancestors.

He was in coma due to the blood clotting in his brain. He fell and founded by one of his foster son while sending him lunch.

When I heard about his coma. Everything keep coming back to me. I have come to my senses on how I have neglected this old man. I didn't call and asked for his being, his health. I have become one of the child like in the short film I, myself have made. I felt so guilty towards what had happened.

The next day, while I was on my way to Putrajaya after midnight, Eleena called me. I asked her why did she called me? With soft and slow voice, she told me that, Pak Ngah has now gone, forever. He passed away that night right after Isya' adzan. I was in shocked. Speechless. A long long silent. The only sound I could hear was the air that I breathe. I felt like everything around me stopped and all the memories keep playing in my head. How we all spend the time together. How because of this short film, has brought us altogether friends again. How he told us his history, his ancestors, his foster child. How he asked us aren't we all hungry? Aren't we all thirsty? Let's eat at Mak Long Kam's stall, this stall, that stall. And most of all, how he act in my short film. Walking under the rain, just to give it more impact.

I hung up the phone. My sister asks me what's wrong. I told her and I kept silence. A very very long silence. I was trying to hold the tears in and not letting it streaming down my face. Then, my sister utter those sad words. How he was so kind towards us and willing to be the main actor in our short film. All I could say is, "Janganlaaa..." and I can't hold on the tears. I have now lost my ego. I cried and sobbed. I can't say anything. I was so sad.

The deceased did called me months ago asking about computer. He didn't know how to save the Microsoft Word into his pen drive. He need to print it out at cyber cafe. He called me many times but I didn't realize it. But then I called him back and helped him and guide him the way.
And later then, I did borrowed his Saree costume for quite a long time. Almost one semester. Lecturer kept on rejecting my photos and I can't return it back. He did asked my friend about it. I was so guilty. I didn't gave him anything in return.
Neither for his willing in acting in my short film. What have I gave him? None. :(
I know my short film wasn't that good, wasn't that impressive in anyone's eyes. But his kindness, his effort has brought it to live.
I was even more sad because, I felt like I've become one of the ungrateful insolent discourteous child. and the most sad part is, I've made his character died at the end of my short film.
The story line about him gotten hospitalized, and died makes me bursts even more tears.

I regretted it. If only I could turn back the clock. I'd pick someone else. I'd pick one of my friends to be the old man in the short film, and not him.
But what else can I do. The time isn't in my hand. The fate is in God's hand. The death is also in God's hand.
Along the way, while sobbing, I recite Al-Fatihah and other surah from Al-Quran for the deceased for I don't know how many times.
If that's the only way I could redeem all my wrongdoings and make him peace, I'd do it.

The next day, I didn't go to my cousin's ceremony. I went to Malacca with Eleena. My plan was to visit Pak Ngah at the hospital, but now that he has gone, there's nothing that we could change what has fated. Regretting things may not change anything.
We shoot straightaway to Pak Ngah's house. We parked outside. We waited outside his house. There were so many villagers. I looked at the stairs where we all used to sit altogether and chat and eat pisang goreng.
Few minutes after, they brought out the deceased's coffin. The covering was a bit upraised while they were bringing the coffin downstairs, I saw his white shroud and again, the tears streaming down my face again. This is sad. It actually happened for real.
The man in charge had a few talks to the villagers regarding any debt have the deceased made. They recites a few Al-Fatihah and they all marched to the surau and Paya Rumput graveyard nearby.
Eleena and I went there by car. We arrived.
The villagers prayed for the deceased before the bury ceremonials. We both marched to the Paya Rumput's graveyard. The same graveyard we all used in the short film. Ahh, again. This brought me the tears again.

The wind blows. I could feel the spirit is still there. The feeling of having him around.
The conversations between us kept playing in my head. I could see the grave that we used for shooting. He recites Yassin there and there. Twice. And he never felt tired.
This is sad.

15 minutes after. They all marched the deceased's coffin to the graveyard. The wind blows again. Now that I could feel he is so close to us.
They then placed him 7 feet under, 3 feet width. And the burial starts. My tears are welling. I pulled myself together and recites a few surahs. This is so saddening.
The man in charge then taught the youngsters on how to bury the death in a proper way according to Islam. What a very generous man. He leads the way to the youngsters. Taught the youngsters so that they knew and they could take place when all the old man has gone. Patrick was one of the youngsters who buried Pak Ngah deceased body. I could see the pain in his swollen eyes. The reddening cheeks.
I saw my few ex-classmates, juniors, and lecturer there. These are only a few.
I don't know how to count hundreds of students who the deceased had render the service not only as a teacher, but also as a father figure for us in Malacca.

One of the villagers did say, "Alhamdulillah, Dak Atau senyum...". Alhamdulillah. At least we knew. When he smiles, he already sees his paradise there. I'm happy, Pak Ngah.

Dak Atau :') . He used to call us 'Dak Lea', 'Dak Eleena', 'Dak Padil', "Dak Nazren", "Dak Paan". :') Those memories. Hard to resist from not remembering it.

Pak Ngah,
I can't forget on how you have been so nice towards us. We create the bonding during the short film shooting. We have spent so much time together. We ate and laughed together. You lend us your costumes without charging us. I appreciate everything.
I always pray for your afterlife tranquility. May you be peace in the spirit world. We all pray you'd go straight to heaven. For all your kindness, we hope you'll find your paradise. Though you don't have any child, but you still have us all as your child. I may have regretted for neglecting you, but I have never regret of knowing you. You'll find your nymph there to make you happy. Insya'Allah. Wait for us all there. Insya'Allah.
Pak Ngah,
when they marched you to the graveyard, and the wind blows in sudden. My tears stream down my face because I know that you're there with us. Watching us watching you. As I have said before, Pak Ngah. We're still breathing the same air, we're only living in a different dimension.

I hope you will find your happiness. We appreciate everything.

Al-Fatihah.

Pak Ngah Atau / Abu Bakar Sharif in loving memory.

Better Left Unexplained or what?

2011-12-30T22:29:00.006+08:00

Good evening readers.

Past few days, people have been questioning and wondering what's with my Facebook statuses? I know and I understand that I haven't been that active for quite long. Now, I have nothing to do, too much time to spare, too much time to think about problems now. And I now have space in my brain to think about something else other than academic purposes.

Is it worth it to elaborate what I'm trying to say for the past few days?

Should I keep it to myself or let people wonder, what is it for?

Ok. Let me elaborate what was all that about. It's okay if you don't even bother to read. It's for those who wonder what's up with all that.

December 22nd, 2011

We might not talk like how we used to talk, we might not see each other like how we did when we're 7-8, we might not laugh like how we laughed back then during recess, how we matched our lunchboxes, but deep inside, you are still my best friend. I'm sorry for the missing years. I still keep all those unsent cards. I hope we can mend it back again. I really miss you. :(

Explanation:

That is dedicated to my bestest friend ever. I knew her since I was 7. We've been a very good friend back then. I never knew what goes wrong and we silently drifted apart. It might be because we split up classes since Standard 2. I miss her so much! :) I hope we could get together later. :) and oh. This came up because I found birthday card that I was suppose to give it to her when we were 9 or 10 I guess. But I hesitate to give it away to her. Because it was printed grey and I coloured it with pencil colour and I made pink flower using ribbon and stick it in the card. :p I laughed so hard that I cried when I finally found it. :')

December 23rd, 2011

Hari hari pun org call saya nak ckp dgn Mr. Yap. Sorry. I'm not Mrs. Yap lah.

Explanation:

There is people has been calling me on my current phone number everyday and she wants to speak to Mr. Yap and thought I was Mrs. Yap. No big deal. Was just feeling updating it on Facebook.

December 24th, 2011

Book smart and street smart are two different thing.

Explanation:

All out of sudden I felt like wanted to update this status. Because I think book smart and street smart should go together. I read some news. Some geniuses failed somewhere just because those places needs him/her to not just be text-book-oriented person. Street smart is needed to survive this life. Not being book smart but being street smart is much better than being book smart but don't have the street smart. It survives you. Whatever it is, IQ, EQ and SQ should go together to make us whole. That's my opinion.

December 27th, 2011

Menerima dari tangan yang 'lutsinar' lebih menyiksa jiwa daripada menerima dari tangan yang nyata. Beruntunglah pada yang masih menerima dari tangan yang jelas dan nyata terlihat dimata. Andainya engkau mengerti.

Explanation:

This. I think this made a little controversy. Where some people asks behind me, not in front of me. Well, that's for my late father. 'Invisible' hands is his hands. Let me explain this in Malay since that the status was in Malay. 'lutsinar' itu merupakan tangan seseorang yang telah lama pergi. Menerima peninggalannya yang sederap di telapak tangan kami adalah lebih menyiksa jiwa dari menerima perbelanjaan setiap hari dari tangan seorang Ayah. Beruntunglah pada mereka yang masih menerima dari tangan yang jelas dan nyata dimana memberi maksud - masih hidup. Biar berjuta mana pun harta yang diterima, ingin aku katakan, perasaannya adalah tidak sama. Rasakah kasih sayang itu? Tidak. Telah terputus segala perhubungan apabila kematian berlaku. Hanya doa dan amalan sahaja yang dapat dikirim. Pada 'mereka' yang masih berkata-kata dibelakang kami, mengertilah. Tidak banyak, hanya sedikit. Jadi, status ini bukan untuk memerli sesiapa pun. Harap maaf.

December 28th, 2011

Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas. - Paula Poundstone.

Explanation:

Just for fun. I think it sounds funny. I found it in someone's Twitter account and I felt like putting it up because I had conversations with my Mom of what I want to be. :)

December 28th, 2011

Kena excel ilmu kemahiran hidup dulu baru excel ilmu hisab dan lain-lain.

Explanation:

Terasa nak update begini. Kerana aku pergi di suatu tempat makan yang sering aku pergi. Aku suka pergi situ bukan sekadar kerana makanannya. Aku suka berada disitu lama-lama kerana aku nak melihat orang-orang yang bekerja disitu. Betapa mereka bekerja bagaikan semut. Tanpa henti. Tidak duduk. Dan mereka sudah tua. I'm impressed. So I think. Apa yang memupuk perasaan mereka dari sehari ke sehari? Kemahiran mereka dalam kehidupan. Bagaimana mereka menguruskan kehidupan mereka. Mereka mungkin tidak berapa pandai secara akademik. Tetapi, bertahun-tahun mereka bekerja disitu. Pendapatan sehari barangkali melebihi dari orang yang bekerja pejabat sehari. Who knows.

December 28th, 2011

Jangan salahkan batu pula andai sendiri yang tersepak batu berdarah di kaki.

Explanation:

Aku bersiar-siar dengan family aku di sekitar Ipoh kelmarin. Tiba-tiba aku ternampak seseorang berjalan. Aku memerhatikan perjalanannya, rentak kakinya, pandangan matanya, perwatakannya. Entah bagaimana, dia tersepak batu, berdarah ibu jari. Jadi, simpulan bahasa tok nenek kita turunkan itu memang benar. Dek kerana termalu diperhatikan, batu pula yang dipersalahkan. Aneh. Tapi batu pula yang dimarahi. Aku masih melihat. Dia berlalu pergi sambil masih lagi mengomel-ngomel dimulut marah-marah.

December 30th, 2011

What if it was true that all what we thought was right was wrong? What if no one cared to mention?

Explanation:

I quoted this from Simple Math song sang by Manchester Orchestra. These few lines seemed so right to me.

Why?

What if, everything in this world, that I thought I was right all this while, were actually wrong?

What if, I've been so sure that I am so right, but actually, I was wrong?

What if, I was wrong all this while, and no one cared to mention it to me?

I'd still be so absentminded, I won't care, I won't notice that I was wrong. So, I am glad that someone came up to me and say that I was wrong and gave me the light.

I need something like an anchor on my feet to put me still on the ground. Who'd be the anchor? The people around me.

What if I don't have these type of people around me? I'll forget. No one will remind me that what I do is wrong.

What I do is not good to myself. And I had to make a change instead of blaming others. I would love to thank to all those people who kept on reminding me for my mistakes. I'm glad that you are around. You pull me back on my feet. Show me directions. Which is which. So I won't lost myself.

Last but not least. I would like to apologize for any mistakes have I made. I admit my weaknesses, my feebleness. My anger. My too outspoken or even my silence.

I ought to avow my weaknesses than to forever being egoist myself.

That's all it. I hope there won't be any misunderstanding. Barangkali bahasa aku terlalu rumit untuk difahami. Mungkin kena buka kelas "Lea Shariff 101". "Lea Shariff 163" pula untuk Sastera yang dimuntah oleh aku.

Keh keh keh. Kbai take care.

Salam'alaik!

Why didn't I?

2011-12-22T21:41:00.000+08:00

I kept on wondering,

why didn't I pursue Fine Art?
I was so in love in paintings, arts, those tools,
why didn't I?

I guess I wasn't that confident either in pursuing Fine Art. :(

Will I be missing all these when I changed my direction next?
Will I still love this after I've changed my directions?
Will I?

It's okay, Lea.
You have thousands of miles to go.
After you finished what you gotta finish,
you may pursue whatever lust you have in this.

Belajar,
sampai ke tua pun tak apa.
:)

when i am down

2011-12-22T02:57:00.004+08:00

and the tears is welling up

and it's about to stream down the face

i'll lean back

looked up the sky

and close my eyes

not letting the tears to flow out

not even a tear

i sucked it in

hold my head high

and there,

the tears i sucked back in makes me even more stronger.

you are much stronger than this.

i'm done,

lea s.

inspired

2011-12-20T03:54:00.003+08:00

aneh.

i used to sing in the toilet.

but now, i made my life decision in there.

dangerous, i know.

bisikan syaitan banyak dalam tu.

but i always get inspired from inside the toilet.

i'd probably take my notebook inside next time.

my own future bathroom?

there'll be bookshelf, bunch of pens, drawing pens, writing pens, brushes.

or perhaps along with a table besides the bath tub/toilet bowl.

wait and see wait and see.

i'll be the only one whom can use it. no one can enter my master bathroom.

there'll be my piece of art hanged on the wall.

muehehehehehehehee.. okbyetakecareseeyoulater.

Bring Back the Dead to Life

2011-12-18T22:00:00.007+08:00

And so I made a little research regarding this matter. How human wants to bring the deceased back to life. Actually, they forgot one way of bring them back. It's inside you. How you remind yourself of them who died. You can't bring their bodies back to life, but you can keep the memories with you. That's how you make them alive to you.

There is one way of how human keep the memories with the deceased.

It is "Post-Mortem Photography" which also known as "memorial portraiture or memento mori". It is a practice of photographing a recently died deceased.

The invention of Daguerreotype in 1893 made portraiture much more commonplace, as many of those who were unable to afford the commission of painted portrait could afford to sit for photography session. Post-Mortem photography is much cheaper and quicker method. It is also provided the middle class with a means for memorializing dead loved ones.

Look at this picture.Yes, she's dead. According to the photograph notes, this older child is dressed in white gown and wedding veil, with a rosary and cross, to symbolize her being a pure "bride of Christ". How they make a dead person stand still? Back braces, boards and sometimes simply disguised assistants standing off to the sides were all utilized in creative ways by photographers, when the parents or relatives wanted the decedent propped up or standing up. Scary much. But this is what they do. How photographers back then are so skilled. They could make the dead seems to come to life

This type of photography were so famous in 19th century. Those were the days where many youngsters died. Babies, kids. Many of them suffer from this one kind of disease.

Many of them hired a photographer to capture their loved ones because they had nothing left but this one and only memory. Photography is not that affordable neither back then. Only capable family may pay the photographer. It was just much cheaper than painted portraiture.

How the process goes?

To make the dead stand still, they use back braces, boards and sometimes simply disguised assistants standing off the sides were all utilized in creative ways by photographers.

To make the eyes wide open or their mouth smile? They might use something to spray on the eyes to make them opens still. Some photographer did paint eyes on the deceased eyelids.

Some will paint a red blush on their cheek after developing the photo. It's kind of weird I know because the pictures are all in Sepia colour.

Sometimes, the family of the deceased will pose together with the deceased.

We may realized whose dead and whose not by their attire. Those who are not dead will wear black as for mourning apparel.

Sometimes, the family will put a pocket watch on their deceased family.

This type of process takes a very long time to finish. They had to put on the best attire for the deceased. Get their make up done. Create a pose. Most of them will pose the deceased on bed, chairs, in living room.

This is the example of a group photography. The center one is the deceased. The father and mother figure seemed to be blurred. In this case, photographing takes maybe for about 10 minutes. I do not know how camera works back then. How long does it take. But I am pretty sure the shutter takes minutes to be captured. As the shutters are slower, the father and mother figure will move here and there a bit. They breathe, shivers, weeping. So that's why the father and mother seemed blurred. The deceased looks so focused because she doesn't move. This shows to them all that the deceased looks like in peace and have nothing to worry about.

I was called to did a little research on this about a week ago.

So here it is.

On Islamic side, Muslim are allowed to mourn but not to wailing in grief. Muslim have to face the fact that what's gone has gone and go on with life without the dead ones. It is iman that strengthen what's within. If one loves those who has gone, one can reminisce by pray for them.

Plus, in Islam way, the Muslim should not prolong the bury of the dead body, for it is considered as torturing the soul of the body.

For more further question, you may ask an expertise in this field. I may answer the best I can.

i don't mind

2011-12-18T00:27:00.002+08:00

i don't mind what others would say

as long as i know where i stand, why am i standing here

let it be let it be

people will always talk

they will talk as much as they want

but little did they know, they're counting up their sins

i don't mind

keep on talking

do as you please

words can't bring me down

apa-apa pun

kembali semula kepada fitrah asal

apa yang aku bawa sejak lahir

dari lubuk sanubari aku sendiri

aku adalah aku

aku mengorak langkah aku sendiri

i am inspired by certain people to keep on going

atas bumi ini

tiada apa pun yang menjadi milik kita asalnya

atas bumi ini

andai tiada rahmat yang diberi

maka tandus dan gersanglah tanah nya

jadi,

bukan tugas kita untuk dabik dada menjadi seperti apa yang kita jadi sekarang

dua puluh satu tahun

aku masih tidak berani mendabik dada

menjadi diri sendiri mahupun dimana aku berdiri

barangkali ada ruang yang tidak diredhai oleh yang Membentangkan Langit dan Bumi.

barangkali sesaat lagi segala nikmat aku direntap kurang dari sekerdip kelopak mata.

i don't mind

keep on doing what you're doing

you do what you do

i'll do what i do

you go your own way

and i'll go mine

i chose where i go

you chose yours

terlalu berbeza atau terlalu sama

tiada siapa tahu siapa yang mulakan istilah ini

aku adalah aku

kau adalah engkau

selamat malam.

i'm done,

lea s.

The circle

2011-12-13T03:26:00.002+08:00

If you wish to stay still in the circle

then sincerely you stay in there

if you're not feeling sincere, then don't

if you do not wish to have me in the circle

then stop following me,

stop having me in your 'world'

you could simply vanished me with just one click.

As simple as that.

If neither from these two options are yours,

then, please, stop making me feel ill and offended.

I would be glad to both let you in or let you out.

the eternal sacred oath

2011-11-21T01:45:00.004+08:00

7 times has he made oath and for he has implement all of his oath in 91:1-7

but i?

i have made a vow

long before i was given a soul

to thee i kneel

seeking for your guidance

seeking for your amnesty

to thee i kneel

for extra seconds of my life

for every breath i take

to thee i kneel

for i, need your love

your eternal sacred love

Alhamdulillah

2011-11-16T01:04:00.001+08:00

God has answered my prayers last night.

If it's good. I hope it'll lasts forever.

I am now happy.

Happy Birthday, Mak!

2011-11-13T16:58:00.002+08:00

Happy Birthday, Mak!

I know you won't read it. You might not know I even have a blog (or you actually did know? hihi).

I've long never dedicate any writing for you. It has always been everybody else.

If there's you, there's only a few of it. Right Mak? Whereas you're the one who always held me high when I am down, be there for me when no one else does.

There are no music background as for me to feel my own writing right now but the sound of a heavy pouring rain and the thunder lighting from the outside of the window. As it rains, the sky seems to understand how does it feel inside me.

The picture above, I captured it. As I am editing it, I zoomed in. I saw every wrinkle on your face. Every wrinkle that saddened me. How aged you've been.

For 21 years old I've been living in this world, it has always been you right by my side.

For every wrinkle shows your every problem. You lived every day for us. To keep us alive all by yourself since arwah Ayah has long gone 13 years ago.

My Mak is not the same as others. Where they have husbands to lean on. Where they could cry their feelings out loud on. Where they could beg for women materials. Mak did not.

Mak always has to think like a men. As a father herself. To raise us well.

Did Mak bought jewelleries often? Did she change her jewelleries often? Nope. Did she change her furnish always? Nope.

We moved to this house after arwah Ayah passed away. It has been the same ever since.

You bought cars not for your own lust. You didn't buy cars for their beauty and elegance. You bought cars for utilities. You bought those which can fit 7 people in. You took care of our Opah yourself with love. You bought a bigger car so that we all can fit in together along with our former maid. You always have to think like a men.

My biggest fear is losing you. My eternal love.

What scares me the most was the moment you were admitted to the hospital for your kidney operation.

I was so sad that I couldn't blurt anything out. Day by day I was by your side. Not a burden to me but love and care from my bottom heart. The cry that I cry was a sense of feeling of could not bear to see you in pain. Of when to see you in an anaesthetic state, it cries my lungs out. You were numb. You lay there and numb.

None of your brothers and sisters came. None from your family side came except your elder brother and her wife. None came to see you but the family from Ayah's side.

I was so disappointed, I must say.

None gave me moral support to stay strong with your condition. No one. But the Ayah's family side. They pitied us. But none from your family side.

I kept thinking why are they doing this to you. You are so kind towards everybody. You visited whoever in sick condition. You visited those who died. It is even hard to see you saying anything that could offense anyone.

But then,

I came to realize. Sometimes, those who always share the laughter together aren't always who will share to halve the tears together.

Maybe God gave us this tests after tests to make us strong. So that we may live and we can go through the bigger hurdles in the future.

Maybe,

living in this world

we should give others as much as we can

and accept as little as we can.

There are a lot of things that taught us values from you, Mak.

How we, women should learn to live without men by our side. Someday, somehow, maybe Men will be taken away from us. What's left, is just us live by our ownself. Grown up the kids by ourselves.

No matter what, women should learn how to do men's work. Because whenever men of our life has been taken away from us suddenly, we may do whatever they do for the family.

The iron lady standing strong right in front of me that taught me everything.

I don't care what others would say on how I praise my own mother a lot. For me, everybody should feel the same way to their own mother. This is my way. My only thing that I could do my dedication besides everything I've done to her all this while.

Me and writings. Is all I can give.

iloveyou,mak. there are no space in between the words because there will be no space between our love.

i will always be your clown

2011-10-18T05:14:00.004+08:00

he has this cold and fierce eyes. but deep inside his dark brown eyes behind his spectacles, there's something i called love affections. he barely smile. quite hard to make him smile really. he's always that serious. no matter how hard i try to make myself his clown, he won't be that easy to smile unless it is really damn funny. behind those straight lips that people sees, there's something on his cheek. something that i call hamster's cheek. something that he always hid which is his smile. no matter how serious he is, those hamster's cheek always ensure me i'm still his clown. i will always be. no matter how silly i looked like with him or in public.

he does not laugh, he does not frown, he does not cry. but behind every lines on his face understands me for what make him feel. those emotionless face. so untouchable. i would always understand for what he needs. time, space, love, care, company. he is so untouchable. make him sad. put him down. break his heart. used him. he's tough. he doesn't listen. he's always on his own way. he never cared what would others say. but he's not a robot, he say. that'd understand me whole. pulling off of what sentiment, perception and thoughts that i have on him.

October 2009. were the month where i started to notice how he feel. months after months after months. after tears were swept away. after mending heartbroken. there he is. stand there still. from the beginning. hold me high. treated me still like a princess though i am not used to liking it.

January 31st 2010. cd chose. clock ticks at the right time. there were no right time. everytime is always the right time. 4 minutes for me to say, 4 minutes for him to think in shock, 4 minutes for us to declare. what a nice nice dinner that we had. happy birthday, love. this was the present for you. 8 minutes after 21st year of his age were the funniest moment. must be hard on him to listen to the nags by en. zaharin for being late.

i never felt this way before. i never wanted something called rational. i want something crazy. something sudden. something made me feel like a roller-coaster. something anxious. something that keeps me like having butterflies in my tummy. something that always makes me so nervous.

his love is thick and it swallowed me whole. he held his breath and the door for me. he is the best listener that i have ever had while i'm the greatest whiner of all across the universe.

for he has been the very best friend for me. best friend with benefits. for he has been so cool. so fatherly. so mature. for he has been accepting my temperament. my immature behaviour. with patience.

thanks for his patience all this while.

as what he claims. he does not run into love. he runs for his destiny as for his destiny is me.

no matter how serious he is. how people can't accept the way he is. i'd always held him high. my prior. i'd always listen. i'd always whine. i'd laugh. i'd make stupid faces. i'd poke. i'd pinch and punch. i don't care.

those cold eyes aren't cold for me. it doesn't touches others. it touches me.

he have won me over. making me feel head over feet. but the game is not over yet. i won't make it over. it is over once the heart hasn't call his name and stop beating for him.

thanks for his patience.

i'm done,

lea s.

untuk engkau dan engkau

2011-10-13T20:29:00.008+08:00

Arwah ayah aku bukanlah bekas petani untuk kau persoalkan dengan apa yang aku ada dan terima kini.

Minta maaflah. Kalau petani sekalipun. Sudah tentu-tentu ada sebidang tanah untuk tampung anak-anak bagi makan. Asal rezeki halal.

Tapi untuk persoalkan dari mana datangnya kemewahan yang diterima itu tidak relevan sama sekali.

Arwah ayah aku bukanlah bekas pengutip tin dijalanan semata. Bukan bekas petani. Bukan pekerja buruh yang menerima gaji hari.

Lulusan graduan yang dia ada bersama kerja yang dipegang sehingga dia mati, sudah cukup untuk tampung kami anak beranak. Cuba kira purata kelahiran tahun 1953. Berapa ramai yang melanjutkan pelajaran ke Universiti. Berapa ramai yang berjaya habiskan Diploma? Berapa ramai yang berjaya habiskan Degree? Berapa ramai yang berjaya habiskan Masters? Usahlah kau mempersoalkan tentang harta benda orang lain. Kami tidak minta sesen pun dari sesiapa. Usahlah risau. Arwah Ayah aku bukanlah baru setahun dua bekerja kemudian mati. Mak aku bukanlah baru mula bekerja setahun dua. Bukan tak menabung langsung sehingga tak mampu nak empunya kenderaan. Allah itu beri akal untuk berfikir. Bukan untuk sekadar ditepukan dalam tengkorak dengan sajian television. Tolonglah rasional sedikit.

Usahkan nak menghulur, nak beri rasa empati pun tidak pada sang anak yatim. Dijaki, dikecam, dikutuk, dihina lagi ada. Aku tidak hairan kalau banyak benda terjadi diluar sana yang tiba-tiba terbuka mata masyarakat tentang betapa masyarakat tidak mengambil peduli dengan nasib anak-anak yatim piatu. Nasib yang tak terbela. Usah persoal. Pergi bantu. Mereka itu lebih memerlukan.

Ini? Tidak minta sesen pun dari kamu. Hanya sedikit pengertian dari kamu sahaja. Susah benar kan? Kira beruntung kamu empunya Mak Ayah sampai kamu tua.

Fikirlah.

Tidak kiralah harta anak yatim itu banyak mana sekalipun yang diterima. Bergunung-ganang?

Apa perbezaan penerimaan wang itu?

Fikirlah.

Perbezaan antara yang menerima wang belanja sekolah setiap hari dari tangan seorang ayah dengan yang menerima harta sekaligus tapi kehilangan seorang ayah?

Fikirlah. Hati dan perasaan orang lain. Perasaan yang tidak dapat memimpin tangan seorang ayah lagi. Tidak ada orang yang boleh dipanggil "Ayah" lagi. Hilang. Dipanggil pun dalam doa, dan dihati sahaja. Fikirkanlah. Tolong. Dihari pengkebumian arwah Ayah aku 13 tahun dulu pun masih lagi ada yang nak mengguris hati aku.

Memang benar.

Hari pertama, semua kononnya simpati.

Hari kedua, semua pakat jaga suami masing-masing. Harta masing-masing. TOLONGLAH! Allah beri akal, beri hati, beri otak 3lbs untuk berfikir dan mempunyai perasaan.

Ibu Ayah kita tak selamanya menongkat langit. Satu hari nanti, mereka akan pergi juga. Cuma cepat atau lambat sahaja.

Beruntunglah andai mereka pergi ketika kamu itu sudah dewasa, empunya pekerjaan sendiri, lulusan graduan, empunya suami. Sekurang-kurangnya, kamu sudah boleh membiayai diri sendiri tanpa memerlukan bantuan ibu ayah.

Pada mereka yang kehilangan dari kecil?

Berapa tahankah emosi seorang budak untuk menerima pengertian mengenai kematian pelindung?

Berdepan dengan dunia luar.

Dicaci maki?

Diejek tak empunya ayah?

Dianiaya?

Berapa kerat saudara mara yang boleh menolong andai anak saudara mereka kematian ibu bapa?

Berapa kerat dari antara kita yang boleh bela nasib anak yatim?

Entah. Aku tak tahu.

Jawapan bukan ada pada aku.

Tapi ada pada kamu.

Pada aku. Aku bersyukur dengan apa yang Allah beri pada kami selama ini.

Dengan mempunyai Opah (sudah meninggal) yang tinggal bersama kami dulu. Selesa katanya. Tak segan. Tak ada menantu. Pada aku. Itu satu keberkatan.

Keberkatan seorang ibu. Membela seorang ibu. Tidak akan putus nikmat yang Tuhan beri.

Aku bersyukur kehilangan seorang Ayah.

Itu membuatkan aku belajar lebih banyak benda dari yang lain.

Membuatkan aku lebih kuat emosi. Lebih keras hati. Aku tak ada tempat mengadu seperti orang lain. Maaflah andai aku ini jenis yang sedikit keras hati. Aku mesti.

Membuatkan aku lebih berdikari.

Tanpa Ayah yang menguruskan segala benda, membuatkan aku belajar, betapa perlunya seorang anak, seorang budak, seorang perempuan, dan kini seorang perempuan yang menjelang dewasa belajar mengenai kehidupan tanpa lelaki.

Perempuan bisa hidup tanpa lelaki disisinya.

Tetapi berapa kerat lelaki bisa hidup tanpa perempuan disisinya?

Terima kasih Mak.

Terima kasih Ayah.

Al-Fatihah.

**nota kaki: Al-Fatihah juga untuk dirimu juga. Semoga Allah membuka pintu hatimu yang tertutup rapat untuk menerima pengertian semua ini.

***nota kaki 2: just 2 cents from me. but if you don't put it in, how can we get change?

Seni

2011-09-28T01:36:00.003+08:00

Seni itu luas dan subjektif.

Ianya disampaikan dan hanya difahami oleh jiwa-jiwa yang halus dalam kaedah yang berbeza-beza.

Hanya jiwa-jiwa yang halus dapat mengerti apa yang ingin disampaikan sang jiwa-jiwa yang halus lain dalam seninya.

Sang dominan otak kanan.

yang memiliki kreativiti, berjiwa bebas, yang bernafsu, yang empunya deria rasa, yang dapat merasai setiap zarah didalam setiap pepasir dipantai dan setiap deru angin yang lalu.

yang dengan jelas merasai rona-rona pelbagai di kanvas putih.

yang memiliki imaginasi luar batasan.

seni.

puisi. bait bait sastera terungkai dari sang jiwa-jiwa halus.

yang merasa. yang berperasaan.

yang ingin menjadi segala tuntutan hati.

Dulu

2011-09-25T21:18:00.003+08:00

Kita dulu-dulu

tak tahu bila lagi boleh begini

tak akan jumpa lagi yang seperti ini

sisa-sisa yang tinggal

tidak mahu aku persia.

we're so perfect together in this picture

the friendship that we built

hope it'll last long.

Lelaki

2011-09-25T21:07:00.000+08:00

Lelaki itu seharusnya menjadi pembimbing,

bukan perosak.

13:11

2011-09-08T12:35:00.003+08:00

Mungkin apa yang terbentang untukku adalah apa yang mahu disampaikan

Segalanya bergantung pada diri aku sendiri

Paku tidak mungkin akan masuk sendiri andai tidak ada penahat yang memahatnya

Lalang akan tetap menumbuh meninggi tapi bergantung pada kita untuk menebangnya

Dua cerita yang berbeza

Satu untuk aku dan satu mungkin untuk mendula oblongata

Segalanya tidak semudah terhadap didepan lutut

Kaki yang dua ini yang harus mencari

Selagi tidak menerima musibah, manusia akan terus bongkak dengan duniawi

Jatuhnya manusia tak bererti selamanya dia jatuh

Ayat klise dunia bagaikan roda itu sudah basi ditelinga

Sebasinya ia, tidak mahu difahami sesuku manusia

Bagai batu yang dihentak kedahi

Sedap bukan

Andai tidak mahu kaki terpasak dan tersungkur

Ingatlah dunia bukan milik kita selamanya

lemas

2011-09-07T19:00:00.002+08:00

Terkadang rasa lemas dengan suapan ini

muak

letih

satu persatu

satu persatu - satu persatu

bagai muak lagi diberi susu

tidak pernah habis

beberapa langkah sahaja lagi

bersabarlah wahai jiwa

bertenanglah wahai jiwa

garisan penamat makin hampir

aku berharap tidak tersungkur

Wish

2011-08-20T02:51:00.001+08:00

Intan dan Permata

2011-07-14T02:30:00.002+08:00

Zaman sekarang,
terlalu banyak perhiasan didunia.
Sehingga sukar untuk kita nilai antara intan dan permata.
Ada yang germilapannya, potongannya, clarity nya, warna nya, sungguh seakan-akan diamond yang sebenar.
Tetapi, permata yang manakah yang asli?

Hanya jauhari yang mengenal manikam.

Begitulah juga dengan insan-insan yang hadir dalam hidup kita.
Terkadang, kita merasakan dialah insan yang benar ikhlas untuk bersama dengan kita.
Tetapi, disebaliknya?
Hanya dia dan Tuhan sahaja yg mengetahui apakah didalam isi hatinya.

Tak mengapa. Sebagai salah seorang khalifah diatas muka bumi ini, selagi aku bernafas, kita terima sahaja sesiapa pun yang hadir. Ikhlas atau tidak orang itu, terpulanglah.
Kita dah menjalankan tanggungjawab sebagai penemannya didunia.

Letter for the Future Lea

2011-07-03T14:33:00.001+08:00

So, I've been thinking of sending future me a letter.

Asking her what she's doing. Is she well. Is she still alive.

So. I've been thinking to send myself a letter. The me at the age of........ emm.. let's cut it short. 24 years old! How's that?

I will draft a letter. State a few questions. About education, life, people around me, love life. How am I doing. Am I MARRIED? hahahh.. Have I fly anywhere? Difference of my weight from the past(as in now) and future me. Did I finish my study? What did I took for my Degree. Am I planning to pursue my Masters?

Did I took History of Art course? Because I want it so bad.

What I do for my living? Am I working instead of studying?

How about driving license? Have I took it? Have I turn out to be a racer?

What car are you driving? Am I driving Volvo since I want it so bad?

How about my plans about going to Yemen? Did it went well?

hwahhwaa..

The only reason I did this because I want to see the difference of 21 years old me and 24 years old me.

Maybe I'll make the duration short. or maybe I'll make two or three letters to the future me. :)

Bye2 Lea. :)

cold and dry

2011-06-15T00:05:00.003+08:00

Woman's heart

as deep as the oceans

as dry as the desert

no one knows what's happening inside

but One.

tear them open wide

you'll never find what you're searching for

because it is as deep as the oceans

it is beyond human's reach

once the heart is dried

it'll be as dry as the desert

as cold as the dry wind

as dry as the desert.

lost

2011-06-12T04:07:00.002+08:00

i wish i could disappear myself

detach every molecules in me

spread into the thin airs

no one may put me back together

no one will ever see me again

i wish i could disappear myself

from everyone's memory too

once i am gone with the wind

because nothing awaits me here

and i have no reason to stay

zarah-zarah lutsinar

2011-05-11T03:08:00.003+08:00

sekali buat

sekali ketuk

sekali cabut

lapan ratus kali buat

lapan ratus kali ketuk

lapan ratus kali cabut

akhir lihat

apa yang tersaji dimata

tersaji di ruang itu

tanpa perlu sentuhan fizikal

zarah-zarah lutsinar

yang meninggalkan sesuatu

dan menyekat saluran darah disitu

menyesakkan trafik

meninggalkan bekas yang kekal

walau seikhlas melupakan

Unhatched Idea

2011-05-09T03:15:00.002+08:00

Susah untuk aku faham kenapa ada orang-orang yang suka underestimate dengan kebolehan orang lain.
Kadang-kadang tahap dia tak berapa nak tinggi. Tapi disebabkan dia confident tinggi, dan berkebolehan dalam bab underestimate orang dan demotivated orang lain dan down graded confident orang, maka dia berjaya.

Susah.

Aku tak narrowed down sahaja dalam field aku. Tapi memang dalam keseluruhan culture kita macam tu.

Susah nak faham.

Mungkin dia terlampau dengan creativity dia yang tak seberapa tapi kita hormat dia tapi dia....?

Entahlah.

Susah nak figure out why.

Starbucks and Coffee Bean HARAM?

2011-04-28T11:04:00.004+08:00

Salam,
Saya mendapat emel berkenaan dengan status halal bagi produk daripada Coffee Bean dan Starbucks.Saya Lampirkan disini isi kandungan e-mel tersebut :-
Starbucks HARAM,
ISO 9002 JABATAN IMEGRESAN HALIMAH BINTI HAM Z AH PASUKAN PETUGAS PROGRAM MS ISO 9002 JABATAN IMIGRESEN MALAYSIA

Please note that all chocolate, vanilla and coffee drinks at Coffee Bean and Starbuck contain E471 (Emulsifier 471), mono di-glycefides which is from animal origin (pork).

Raspberry Frap uses cherries that have been dip n alcohol & the tiramisu contains RUM.

Please pass this message to our Muslim friends.

Call JAKIM 03 - 8886 4000 for more information. Thank you

INI ADALAH TANGGUNGJAWAB KITA SEBAGAI SAUDARA

Perhatian.

Text diatas bukan asalnya ditulis oleh saya.

Saya pasti sudah ramai yang menerima e-mail sebegini.

First thing first.

Masyarakat kita memang terkenal dengan terlalu cepat percayakan sesuatu perkara bulat-bulat tanpa usul periksa dan tak mempedulikan samada sahih atau tidak benda yang dipercayakan itu.

Seperti e-mail diatas.

Penyebaran dibuat secara besar-besaran. Tetapi sejauh mana kebenarannya?

Orang kita bila dengar nama-nama scientific seperti E471 lah, mono di-glycefides lah, terus dalam fikiran,

"uih.. nama scientific! mesti betul benda ni.. ish. takutlah! boikotttt!"

Asal nama scientific je orang percaya. Dunia kita ni hujung jari je.

Apa kata gunakan Wikipedia dan Google yang ada untuk search apa makna E471 tu.

Ni tiba-tiba terus nak menjerumus ianya Pork Oil. Cuba Wiki di Wikipedia kejap. Baca habis-habis.

bila disertakan siap nombor telefon JAKIM, terus dalam fikiran,

"uih! siap letak nombor telefon JAKIM! tentu betul ni. takkan orang nak buat main-main nombor telefon JAKIM!" .

Memanglah boleh call. Tapi ada orang cuba nak call sebelum sebarkan e-mail tu?

Apa kata, kita macam ambil langkah lain sebelum sebarkan benda yang belum tentu sahih atau tidak tu.

Seperti, buka laman web JAKIM.

Dah memang JAKIM dah sediakan laman web ehalal. Kita boleh check samada makanan atau product yang kita beli tu halal atau tidak. Begitu juga dengan premis-premis makanan yang dibuka samada halal atau tidak. Bukan sekadar itu, setiap makanan didalam premis itu juga ada menerima sijil halal ke tak halal.

Sejurus saya menerima penyebaran itu, saya terus buka laman web JAKIM. Saya tak nak terburu-buru nak sebarkan benda yang belum tentu sahih ke tidak.

Setelah di-check, setiap premis yang didaftarkan, setiap minuman dan makanan, setiap soalan yang sebijik macam e-mail yang saya terima ini dijawab oleh pihak JAKIM sendiri.

Ternyata premis-premis ini telah disahkan oleh pihak JAKIM sijil ke-halal-annya.

Bukan setakat Starbucks dan Coffee Bean yang saya korek.

Premis lain seperti KFC yang dikatakan haram pun telah dijawab. Pihak JAKIM sendiri jawab ianya adalah fitnah semata-mata yang dibuat nak dekat berpuluh tahun dah.

=_="

Tak faham.

Tak salah ada rasa sangsi dan was-was. Tapi sebelum terburu-buru, apa kata check dulu. Menyebarkan benda yang baik tu memanglah bagus, tapi benar ke tidak tu kenalah betul juga.

Kalau benda tak benar yang disebarkan apa maknanya.?

Apa-apa pun, cuma nak sampaikan aje.

Kalau ada rasa was-was dengan halal atau tidak makanan dan minumam kita, boleh check dilaman web JAKIM.

Dunia kita semuanya dihujung jari.

Instead of main Facebook, main game, sebarkan benda yang baik-baik, kan mudah kalau kita search sendiri dalam laman web JAKIM dan sebarkan benda yang sebenar?

Tak mengapalah.

Tak salah nak rasa was-was. Memang perlu kadang-kadang untuk mempersoalkannya. Tapi langkah seterusnya adalah usaha sendiri nak korek benar atau tidak apa yang kita was-waskan tu.

This is just my 2 cents.

Kalau salah, tolong perbetulkan.

Salam.

ALERT! ALERT! ETR300

2011-04-22T21:53:00.002+08:00

Entrepreneurship?

What is that?

OMG! Menggelabah macam lipas sekarang!

ETR300

| AD117 | Final Examination - Week 2 | 25 April 2011 | 9:00am-12:00pm |

a sense of feeling

2011-04-17T09:35:00.000+08:00

Don't wait till I don't feel a thing.
Don't make me feel like it's not worth waiting for.
Because I don't want to waste my time over someone who doesn't know how to appreciate my existence.

i just don't get it

2011-04-15T17:36:00.003+08:00

sometimes i felt like i don't deserve to have a personal life.

sometimes i kept on thinking, why and why, some significant others are so eager to know what happened in our personal life.

i just couldn't understand that. why?

why people should make an unwanted negative remark about what we did that clearly and obviously doesn't have a thing to do with them all? not even a small bit. none!

we did things for ourself. we go to places where we want to.

i just don't get it why do some people have to make a 'that' cynical remarks on what we did in our life?

whyyy?

i clearly have boundaries with everybody.

i respect others as much as i respect the elders in my family.

but why can't others respect mine?

The Importance of Table Manner

2011-04-14T09:33:00.008+08:00

gambar diatas saje diletak. hoohoh. saje gedik2 pegang fork n spoon gitu. Trademark:p

Good morning world.!

Today, I woke up thinking about how important table manner is.
I was so grumpy over people who doesn't have table manner-at all.

Since I was a born, my late Ayah taught me how to have a table manner.
If you don't have table manner... siaplah kau..

I was born in a family who really concern about the manners on the table.

One of my uncle on Ayah side was once a navy, my grandfather are both head teachers, my great great grandfather was the Ketua Kampung, my great-great grandmother on my Ayah side was once worked with the British(okay.. that ancient...) .. nothing to brag.
But, having table manner is very important.
I don't know why.

But I can't stand having people on my table, while I'm eating, keep on talking and talking and talking.
For once in your life, please, shut up for a while and feed your stomach.

Macam bekas maid aku dulu. dah berhenti dah skrg ni. Aku panggil dia Kak Yim. Orang dari Jawa Tengah. Okaylah dia buat kerja ke ape pun semua. Kadang-kadang, makan pun ajak semeja. Nak ajak makan semeja boleh, tapi, pantang aku nye, kalau mulut tu duk pot pet pot pet mcm pungkoq ayam. Itu yang tak boleh tu. Just shut up and enjoy your food! Memang selera aku mati separuh jalan nak dengar dia dok whining pasal arwah Opah aku(masa tu hidup lagi) makan bihun bagi habis lah, minum kopi lah, tengok tv lah.. Mentang2 orang tua tu tak dengar kan. Tapi telinga yang tengah mendengar kat meja makan ni. Tak tercekik? Ish..

When I was a kid, no one can bring food anywhere but the table where we suppose to eat.
You'd wish to bring your food in your bedroom. Nak kena jerkah?

We too, sit accordingly at the table. Ayah will always sit at the head table, Next to him on the right is, Mak. Next to Mak is my younger brother. The one and only brother that I have. Next to Ayah is me, because I was so menggedik manja with Ayah. Next to me is my one and only kind sister.

No one can talk at the table. Tapi to pass the food tu, kena la cakap. But strictly no talking. Please. Tolonglah jangan bercakap.
Kalau makan dengan sudu tu, memang pantang kalau berlaga-laga kuat sangat. Makan semua kena senyap.
Like what my Ayah's eldest sister said, if you can't eat with fork and spoon, then don't! if you want to eat with your hands, then don't eat like a babi. Yes. She really said that. Her son said that too.
Please. Jangan makan macam babi. Not to be rude. Tapi time menyunyah tu.. kunyah dalam mulut.. jangan ada bunyi mengunyah kuat-kuat.

Okaylaa...

What I really want to say is actually,
time makan tu, tolonglah jangan bercakap. Ini tengah makan, bercakap-cakap, then food tak habis-habis sampai sejuk, tinggal ciput pastu berhenti bercakap kejap, then sambung balik. Ish!
Finish your food first, then talk laaaa..

Lagipun, bila dah habis your food tu, habislah.. ini kalau makan diluar laa. ini tak, ada lagi ciput, tungguuuu lama-lama.. sembang-sembang cerita pasal keturunan tok nenek moyang semua, pastu baru sambung yg ciput tadi tu. Pastu dah makan asyik bersulam air, bila dah habis makan, mulalah air tinggal suku. Kena order lagi. Pastu lagi lama lagi kat meja tu. Cerita pasal tok nenek semua.

Aku tak kisahlah kalau ada reunion ke ape ke takpe juge laa nak bercerita lama-lama. Lepak lama-lama. Dah memang tujuan utk lepak lama-lama.
But for God sake!!! PLEASEE!!! We're in the middle of something. We took break to feed ourselves, so eat quick, and get our things freakin' done!

Ya Allah, sabar jelah..
Not to say to the youngsters sgt punlah kan. But sometimes the elders pun lagi maha dasyat.
Tegur karang terasa hati. Siapalahhh aku ni... Dah memang tabiat keluarga dia pun mcm gitu. Aku pun belum lahir lagi masa tu.

Tapi, ape-ape pun, table manner tu tersangatlahh penting.

Tolonglah concern pasal ni. T_T It's killing me...

'Udara Yang Sama' shooting in progress

2011-04-13T09:46:00.000+08:00

Still.
But funny things happen.
Where peole actually believe the stories happened to thsat old man.
We went to hospital for a location. Deal with the hospital admin.
And one of the public asks, will this come up on TV?
Hihii..

We may learn how it actually happens in the real life. How people look at things, how people listen at things and how actually people adapt it.

Rumours too happens too fast.
The villagers actually believe the storyline happened to my main actor.
We can actually see the "bahana gossip kedai kopi" makes people think it is real.

Well, after everything's done, I'll upload the shortfilm on youtube. Insha'Allah.

Useless

2011-04-01T23:43:00.003+08:00

Talking to you, is like talking to the wall.

Talking to you, is like talking alone in an empty room.

The voice echoes but it reflected back to my own ears.

It goes to no one's ears but mine.

Arschloch!

I'm sorry, Kenny. :(

2011-03-30T09:20:00.003+08:00

I just found out today what Kenny suffers from.

His eye is sick. ;'( He's in pain.

Poor Kenny.

It's not his body, but his eye.

I should get him to the specialist center as soon as possible. ;(

;( Poor Kenny. I can't Auto focus him :(

It's either get Kenny a new second hand eye, or another type of eye or just repair the current eye. :(

I'm sorry I neglected you for awhile, Kenny. I know you're trying to get my attention by being sick . :(

I'm sorry I put you in the bag pack. I'm sorry I let you cold outside of the bag. I'm sorry I let the rain drops on you.

Please, be good. :(

Now, I have to use Baby Oly to get my work done.

I'm sorry, Kenny. For neglecting you for weeks. I didn't took you wherever I go for the past few weeks.

pleases you pleases me

2011-03-28T00:21:00.004+08:00

is there any strong reason for me to stay the same?

is there any strong reason to hold me still?

Aku dan Bayang-bayang

2011-03-25T19:54:00.005+08:00

Muntahan ini muntahan aku yang diizinkan oleh yang Satu.

Apa yang ada didalam sebidang helaian putih ini adalah apa yang aku muntahkan dari benak fikiran aku.

Aku adalah aku.

Aku empunya identiti aku sendiri

Aku dicipta bukan untuk sentiasa berada dibawah bayang-bayang sesiapapun.

this is taken by my younger brother who has zero knowledge about photography. :)

just a simple note for men

2011-03-24T13:40:00.001+08:00

don't get mad when a girl cares too much, worry when they start to not give a fuck.

2011-03-22T23:02:00.002+08:00

Hati kebas.

Kenny and Oly

2011-03-19T11:30:00.005+08:00

It's been a while.

Too much things to handle. and Kenny is sick again. :( I can't Autofocus him. :( Sad.

Need to be back to my old Baby Oly.

Sad :(

I can't wait for the end of this semester and the end of the next semester.

Please please, make it fast!

ps/ my other half bought me a cute shoe. Thank you, love. :)

angin

2011-02-16T07:37:00.003+08:00

angin di udara menderu seakan mengerti apa yang tersirat dihati.

benar kata orang,

hati seorang perempuan bagaikan angin.

patutlah segala ribut taufan diletakkan atas nama perempuan.

i learned to live half alive

2011-02-12T22:01:00.000+08:00

and i miss the way it was.

2011-02-09T00:31:00.000+08:00

jangan tunggu sampai hati berhenti berharap.

2011-02-09T00:09:00.001+08:00

kan aku dah kata. aku sorang je boleh ada buku tu.

sampai bila boleh bertahan neh. :(

buku.

2011-01-24T23:52:00.004+08:00

Buku tu bukan aku yang empunya. Tapi kenapa aku marah sangat kalau orang lain pegang, sentuh, belek buku tu? hurm..

Ada sesuatu mengenai buku tu yang buatkan aku rasa aku nak simpan selama-lamanya.

Mungkin... hanya aku seorang je tahu kenapa... hmm...

Thoughts for the day.

2011-01-17T09:50:00.002+08:00

Knowledge is the only power we have.

Ignorance will bring us no where.

You! yea.. YOU, dickhead!

2011-01-17T01:37:00.003+08:00

you may say whatever you want to say about me, my family, my friends, or my love life. but that's not gonna change anything.

what will change is, my perception about you, you and you.

say whatever you want to say. say bad things about others won't make you any better.

have i make myself clear?

IT WON'T MAKE YOU ANY BETTER...

*man, you sound like a bitch... no.. you talk much like a wimp, dude..

New Year, New Semester

2011-01-08T22:41:00.004+08:00

Change your attitude, Lea.

And just ignore those sucker-juggernauts. You can't please everyone after all. Just do it your way.

Oh and, stay healthy, dear myself. :D

Screw them who screw your health mystically. Biasalah, manusia. Tak dapat guna cara kasar, guna cara halus.

Ajal maut semua orang bukan ditangan kita lagipun.

God decide when will I die. Not you.

I'm done,

Lea.

Haha

2011-01-07T13:19:00.002+08:00

I don't give a fuck to you.

And I don't fucking care who the fuck you are in my fucking life.

Life's a karma.

You'll get back what you give to the others.

Nak minta dihormat, diri sendiri harus menghormati orang lain dulu.

Hormat tak mudah dicari. Ia tak semudah dengan memetik jari je.

Aku dah tak peduli lagi. Lalala.

Yes!

2010-12-31T00:28:00.000+08:00

NEXT!?

Misunderstanding

2010-12-21T22:05:00.004+08:00

Have you ever had a misunderstanding conversations between you and stranger?

Well, I do.

Few semesters back. At the gas station somewhere in Malacca. And I was holding a baby(my niece - Nina) in the gas shop. She was begging me for a lollipop and I can't say no to an adorable baby like her.

There were two cashier there. A makcik and a teenage guy. While I'm at the register counter, the makcik asks me,

"umur berapa...?"

and guess what did i answered?

"19..."

and that makcik laughs.

"takk.. bukan awak... dia ni pun 19 juger(appointing at the guy beside her..) baby ni ha.. comel nyee die.. umur berapa?" sambil acan2.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.. Rasa nak sorok muka dalam plastic bags jer! Fuck fuck fuck fuck! oh Fuck fuck fuck fuck lagi!

and dgn terasa pipi tebal, I answered her with a fake symmetry smile on my face... "ohh... hehe.. 2 tahun..."

I quickly paid for the lollipop and the water bottle and get the hell out of there.

Sheeeshhh.. lain kali, pikir 8 juta kali sebelum jawab ape2 pada siapa2.

New Leaf

2010-12-20T20:33:00.004+08:00

11 days to go for a new semester. =_="

I have to think about a lot of things. Rumah sewa. Nak cat bilik yang berkapang. Nak cuci rumah yang kotor sangat. Dengan masa yang singkat ni nak buat macam-macam benda. Dengan big boss susah nak cuti. Dengan ada banyak barang tak beli-beli lagi. Sempat ke?

Susahnya hati saya..

Betul-betul susah hati.

Nostalgia Zaman Sekolah Menengah #5

2010-12-18T16:55:00.005+08:00

"remember what puan noriza said b4,? zaman sekolah yg kite tgh xsuke tu la,zaman yg kite akan ingat smpi bile2..n some how we might think that we want back those memories right?"- Saleha Aziziah.

True... absolutely true. Nasiblah aku agak nakal sekolah dulu. Kalau tak nakal, tak ada kenangan nak diingatkan. Rasa kusam je nanti. Nakal tak nakal sangatlah. Boleh laaa... sekali sekala buat cikgu pening kepala... :D Sekali sekala buat cikgu darah tinggi lurut dada, picit kepala sendiri. Hehee. Tak adalah sampai cikgu masuk hospital ke ape. Paling-paling pun buat cikgu merajuk tak nak masuk kelas terus. Kesian cikgu. Nangis senyap2. Sorry cikgu. T_T.

Aku ingat lagi. Dulu, rajin benar aku tak datang sekolah. Dari sekolah rendah, sampai sekolah menengah. Dalam seminggu tu, paling-paling sehari. Kalau full tu, memang aku ni dibela malaikatlah ibaratnya.

Tapi, jangan salah faham. Bukan sengaja tak pergi sekolah. :D.

Masa tu, PK Hem baru ganti PK Hem lama. Pn. Lim Peng Lai. :D. Sangatlah ditakuti seluruh penduduk Tarcisian Convent. Suaranya sudah cukup membuatkan orang kecut perut. Barangsiapa yang bermain dengan logo Mercedes Benz beliau di kereta, siaplah.! Tapi, semua orang tak tahu. Dalam kegarangan dia. Sebenarnya, dia seorang guru yang penyayang dan sangatlah mengambil berat.

Aku ingat lagi, aku pergi berjumpa dengan Pn. Lim masa tu bersama-sama dengan mak aku tak silap. berbincang pasal aku. Ape yang menyebabkan aku selalu tak datang sekolah. Beliau dengan baiknya menyarankan aku makan sup kurma merah dan adalah macam-macam makanan lain lagi bagi mengurangkan beban "kekurangan" aku dan adik-beradik.

Bukannya mudah. Pesakit-pesakit Thalassaemia secara luarannya nampak normal, sihat, cergas. Tapi... kalau lepas active sakan, flat-lah aku sepanjang hari selepas tu. Takkan bangun-bangun dah dari katil.

Tapi kira okay. Kalau time kecik-kecik dulu, time tadika, sekolah rendah.. lagi lemah.. kalau perjalanan jauh je, aku takkan mampu nak berjalan. sampai kena dukung.

BUT!, this type of genetic disease never bring us down. Kami sentiasa berusaha nak sama sihat dengan orang-orang lain yang normal. So, dalam erti kata lain, badan kami terpaksa bekerja keras dua kali ganda untuk setanding dengan manusia biasa. We live like normal people. Cuma kadang-kadang, cepat lethargic, cepat pening sebab oxygen tak sampai, rasa nak pitam selalu. Else, kami manusia normal macam orang lain. Boleh bekerja, boleh belajar, boleh berkahwin(as long as tak berkahwin dengan orang yang menghidap Thalassaemia juga- since that boleh inherit genetic disease tu lebih major yang dipanggil Thalassaemia Major). Luckily, Aku dan adik beradik cumalah Thalassaemia Minor jer.

Ape-ape pun.. screw them all yang fikir aku ni rebellious pemalas nak pergi sekolah. Huhu. kite hidup tak boleh mendabik dada. We never knew it's in the blood. Nak dapat tahu ada this type of genetic disease takes years. Ada yang dah 40tahun baru dapat tahu, they inherit this type of genetic disease.

Alah.. Thalassaemia Minor je. No worries. Jangan takut nak ambil manusia-manusia macam ni bekerja. They may take supplements. and sometimes, they have creative minds too(saje tokok tambah.. haha). As long as they can recharge during their sleeps, you wont have to worry.

Pills given by hospitals? Nahh.. Aku dah muak pergi hospital 3 bulan sekali, ambil darah.. check darah.. bergelen kena sedut dek dracula berjubah putih.. Things are still the same. Just keep us save jer. Asal hemoglobin okay, quantity red blood cell okay(selalunya tak okay), white blood cell okay, spleen and liver okay.. so.. okaylah! Semua tu bak kata last doctor aku pergi, "these pills just like a psychotic satisfaction.. things are still the same..". That was like what...? two years back? or three years back? lepastu tak jumpe doctor dah. BUAHAHA!

Paling-paling teruk, kena operate spleen.. since spleen work damn hard in our body. Macam sorang senior kt UiTM aku.. lagi teruk dari aku.. kena operate spleen. Tiap-tiap bulan buat blood transfer. Imagine bila Iron terlebih dalam badan. Kena cucuk ubat setiap hari kat perut.. sampai lebam2 perut.. and biar benda2 wire tu kat perut sampai la pagi esok.. and those things umpama alarm .. kalau bunyi tu, maknanya dah pagi la tu.. sampai tuan badan dah lali dah. Serious tabah aku tengok. But... she's a beauty with a brain. Yes.. A brain. If someone like her can do it, why can't I? Tapi kalau kau nak suruh aku lari 6 kali keliling padang, tu yang aku semput sampai kena tekan perut tu. spleen aku sakitlah! Jadinya, ujian UDTA aku adalah tidak lepas... selalu corot jer. Lagi nak suruh aku habiskan pusingan. Mau mati aku kat hujung jalan, pecah spleen. isy.. na'uzubillah.

Okay, malas nak citer. Wikipedia ada.. lagi best untuk dibaca dari merepekan aku ni.

Ape-ape pun..

aku dah tersimpang jauh. Cerita asal adalah mengenai cikgu-cikgu. Rindu nak jumpe cikgu-cikgu. Walaupun zaman sekolah, aku segan dengan cikgu. Haha! Ye la kan. Mane-mane pun, aku sentiasa ada boundary between me and the superior. Respect tu sentiasa kena ada. Baik-baik juge. Walau camne pun, kena hormat diorg sebagai seorang cikgu juga walaupun least favour. Biar kurang ajar. Tapi jangan sampai tak boleh nak diajar. Huhu.. sorry tenaga-tenaga pengajar. Ayah saya pesan supaya tidak menjadi pembodek, teacher's pet, suck-up, lick-ass dan sewaktu dengannya. Itu yang tak pandai nak bodek tu.

Baik di sekolah, baik di university. Selagi hormat tu ada, itu dah cukup. :)

Selamat petang, cikgu!

ps;/ Saya rindu cikgu-cikgu yang ajar saya. Walaupun tak ajar subject, cikgu-cikgu lain yang mengajar benda-benda diluar subject yang berunsur-unsur kemanusiaan itu yang paling saya ingat. :)

Nostalgia Zaman Sekolah Menengah #4

2010-12-16T19:00:00.002+08:00

Sepanjang ingatan aku dengan zaman persekolahan,

satu-satunya buku yang lengkap hanyalah buku Bahasa Inggeris sahaja. Satu-satunya subject yang aku minat sangat dan bolehlah diharap. Dan satu-satunya buku yang banyak lopak adalah buku karangan Bahasa Melayu dan satu-satunya buku yang banyak bertanda pen merah macam kertas lukisan berdarah adalah buku Mathematics. Tak kira kemas macam mane pun aku tulis dalam buku Maths tu, bila dapat balik, hujung signature dia, mesti ada notes, "see me after this".

Tak pernah-pernah pun aku jumpa dia lepas tu. Pernahla kot sekali. Tapi lepas tu tak jumpa dah. Haha.

Buku English aku, kadang-kadang jadi bahan rujukan untuk orang-orang yang buku berlopak. Dan aku membuat 'rujukan' atau istilah lain, 'copy and learn' buku Maths orang lain untuk buku aku yang berlopak.

Kedua tersuka adalah Biology. Biology aku siap lukis jantung cantik2 dalam buku nota. Colour siap! Dan mana yang aku lukis, yang itulahhhhh yang paling aku ingat sekali. Adalah sekali jer aku dapat A untuk Bio. SPM? BAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA! Harapan!

Rugi je amek science stream.!

Sesungguhnya, aku bernasib baik sebab ambil subject Pendidikan Seni sebagai subject elective aku. Oleh kerana subject tu laaaaa aku dapat masuk course Art and Design.

Bila tgk balik buku-buku sekolah rendah aku, memang kat hujung2 muka surat, aku memang akan sentiasa lukis-lukis.. konon cantiklaaaa.. padahal, kena panggil dengan cikgu, suruh padam balik. Haha!

Subject Sejarah adalah yang paling aku takut sekali. Sebab cikgunya garang nak mati. Kau tgk je kecik molek.. kiut miut.. belum time dia marah, terkucil2 kau dalam kain.. ngeh3..

Itulah dianya.. Dia baik sangat-sangat. Bagi notes sejarah.. dari Form 4 sampai Form 5. Sampai sekolah lain akan mintak photostat atas photostat copy.. sanggup weih.. asalkan dapat notes sejarah dia. Dia even cerita, pergi meeting kat Terengganu, masa tu ada meeting untuk guru-guru Sejarah. Masa tu Terengganu baru ada banjir teruk kot.. Dia sampai cakap, kalau lah kita yang kebanjiran, benda pertama yang saya akan selamatkan adalah notes saya.. Ini sangat berharga ye.. Saya sangat simpati dengan orang-orang Terengganu. Habis notes Sejarah mereka. :D hehee.. comel jerh..

Aku? yang ujian bulanan punya pemalas nak baca Sejarah... telah menggigihkan diri berminggu-minggu sebelum SPM untuk membaca notes Sejarah.. Alhamdulillah... jauh beza dari ujian bulanan yang kadang-kadang aku jawab separuh je. Thanks Mrs. Darling. :)

Ape-ape pun, course aku sekarang ni kat U, memang tiap2 semester ada exam History. Tiap-tiap semester kena study History of Art. Nasib ada minat. Kalau tak ada minat? Huhuu.. harapan.....

Cakap pasal ujian bulanan.. Aku teringat pernah lah beberapa kali.. waktu monthly exam, bila tidur lambat sbb revise.. time exam, aku akan mengantuk sangat-sangat.. kalau tengok balik tulisan-tulisan aku dalam monthly examination paper, dari tulisan tu elok2, akan menjadi makin kecik, makin kecik.. pastu, aku akan screech... dan tulis balik banyak2 kali.. sebab? Bila mengantuk, tangan masih menulis, pastu dah termasuk line lagi satu, pastu jadi mcm tulisan bersambung yang doctor pun takkan paham.. Ini juga terjadi dalam exam English aku. Aku dah buat separuh jalan.. Pastu aku amek keputusan untuk tidur.. sebab tak tahan sgt. Aku jaga-jaga.. hamek kau.. lagi 15 minit tinggal.. Tak mau speed pulak aku buat karangan untuk literature. Nasib baik aku hafal semua.. memang aku muntahkan semua laaa time tu jugak sampai biru-biru urat tangan aku lenguh speed.

Moralnya... kau jangan nak mengada study last minute.. Memang macam tu laa esoknya jadi.

Aku teringat zaman sekolah ni bukan ape. Sebab adik aku baru je abis SPM.. Macam-macam hal buat aku teringat sekolah aku balik.

Kalaulah kat Malaysia ni, budak-budak diberi pilihan untuk memilih stream yang diorang minat. Ada pembelajaran yang mereka minati sejak kecik. Kan lagi bagus.

Tak semua orang yang mempunyai otak Science & Technology. Ramai lagi yang mempunyai otak Social Science & Humanities.

Tapi umpamanya, lebih dititik beratkan pada Science & Technology je kan.

Percentage untuk pembahagian budak-budak sekolah pun 60-40% untuk Science Stream - Art Stream.

Itupun batch aku bagaikan dijadikan 'bahan experiment'. Dengan berbekalkan 'kelas paling hujung', dan guru-guru yang practical, bukak mulut pun kadang-kadang susah. Nak speaking ajar Science subject, tapi tak berapa boleh nak speaking. Umpama lebih baik cakap bahasa Melayu supaya semua orang faham. Dahtu, kalau English dia pun kita payah nak paham kan.

Akhirnya, budak-budak dijadikan bahan experiment dengan tidak dapat memahami ape yang cuba nak disampaikan. Memanglah ibaratnya kelas hujung "helpless". Di persepsikan seperti tidak mahu belajar dan macam tak payah diajar teruk-teruk sangat. But, they need to learn properly too. Bukan ala kadar je.. Macam mane budak-budak nak faham kalau tak difahamkan.

Kita tak boleh deny yang otak manusia tak semua berfikiran Science. Ada juga yang berotak Social Science. Bila ada sesetengah orang dipaksa untuk berada dikelas Science, dan lingkup untuk core subject tu.. habislah. What's left for them in the future? Memanglah ada banyak jalan lain. Huhu..

Entahlah. Ini two cents of my thoughts jer. But if you don't put your two cents in, how can you get changed?

Bila dah masuk University, we get to choose what we want in our lives. Waktu sekolah, semuanya diatur dan dipaksa tanpa memikirkan skill budak-budak, minat dia kearah mana, dan dia boleh hidup macam mana in the future with what they chose.

Bila lingkup, habuk pun tarak.. then, akhirnya.. last option, semua akan end up nak jadi cikgu.

And guru-guru berkualiti pun berkurang. Young generation whom make their profession of being a teacher as their last option yang akan ruin the students.

Berapa peratus yang akan menjadi guru yang betul-betul ikhlas nak jadi guru dan menjadi pengajar kepada anak bangsa macam guru-guru veteran yang gigih mengajar?

Menjadi golongan pendidik ni, tugasnya amat mulia. Bukan mudah nak digalas. Aku pun tak mampu nak jadi pendidik. Sebab aku tau, yang aku ni kurang sabar kalau mengajar orang. Dan aku tak reti pun nak mengajar orang. Kalau aku dah tak ada kerja sangat pun, aku takut nak memilih jadi cikgu. Sebab takut salah ajar.

Sebab aku takut juga, jika tujuan aku menjadi cikgu hanyalah sekadar nak bayar duit rumah, kereta dan cukai ... Bukan atas sebab nak menjadi seorang cikgu seikhlasnya.

Ape-ape pun,

aku teringat cikgu-cikgu aku yang kat sekolah semua.

Mana yang garang-garang tu.. semuanya bersebab. Sebab nak kami ni jadi seseorang yang berguna. Supaya bila hidup besar nanti, hidup aku ada makna. Jadi manusia. Bukan jadi mayat hidup. Mampu nak hidup sendiri, mampu nak tanggung diri sendiri.

huhu..

Terima kasih, cikgu! *tone ucapan bila cikgu keluar kelas.

^____^

Nostalgia Zaman Sekolah Menengah #3

2010-12-15T18:30:00.003+08:00

Waktu cikgu tak ada dalam kelas merupakan waktu heaven bagi students.

Mana yang baik, akan buat la homework siap2. Tak pun baca buku. Mana yang hardcore sikit, ada je la aktiviti nyee. Hardcore tak hardcore la.. Sekolah Convent je.. semua pompuan... paling2 keras pun, buat nakal je..

Bila cikgu tak ada, menyembang itu merupakan part-time job budak-budak. Mula la tarik kerusi kat meja member, menyembang. Mana yang kaki panjang, akan melangkah ke kelas lain... Mana yang kakinya lagi panjang, akan melangkah lebih jauh..iaitu kantin.. untuk membeli makanan dan makan dalam kelas. :D Yang sure, mesti ada orang akan kirim punye.

Al-maklumlah, kalau dah banyak sangat perah otak untuk belajar ni, perut kena isi.

Mungkin kalau aku cipta sebuah sekolah, aku akan buat setiap kelas ada fridge.. Supaya budak-budak boleh makan sambil belajar. Baru lah boleh jalan otak. Nak-nak buat Maths, kena mengunyah.. *mane aku dpt teori nie? pandai2 je kan..

Huhu.. kalau cikgu takde dalam kelas, bila buat bising, kalau kelas sebelah ada cikgu, mesti cikgu datang suruh kitorang senyap. huhu...

Sekolah aku dulu ada seorang cikgu ni.. Penolong Kanan HEM.. garang dia.. hanya tuhan je yang tahu.. tapi dah pencen dah . tak ingat dia pencen masa aku form baper. Her name something like this, Pn. Authar. Aku rasa ejaan dia mcm ni. :D

Kalau nampak dia lalu je... Semua student akan berlari-larian untuk menyorok dan tidak bertembung dengan dia.

Adalah beberapa kali jugak aku lari dari dia. Nak-nak budak sekelas dengan aku.

Dia akan jerit dari jauh, "GIRLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!" .. mcm halilintar.. kecut perut dowh.. semua lintang pukang lari masuk kelas.. nak2 sape yg makan angin kat corridor..

Aku? Kalau tengah-tengah makan angin keliling sekolah.. Merayap sana sini, tibe2 bertembung.. tak pakai pas kebenaran keluar kelas yang ada dua aje tu, tentu2 kecut perut. Tahan nafas siap. Takut kena marah..

"Girl, where are you going?"

"....er... i just got back from the toilet"

"Where's your pass?"

"Other girls use it.. I can't wait, Madam... Need to pee.."

padahal.. ada je toilet level. gigih nak gi toilet besar kat belakang kantin kan..

Tapi yang pasti.. aku akan ke toilet setiap hari pukul 9.00 a.m.

Sebabnya, tiap2 pagi sebelum pergi sekolah, bibik aku akan goreng2 something utk aku makan n minum.. Gorengan dia taknak pedas2 pulak kan.. Tentu2 aku pergi toilet setiap pukul 9.00 a.m.

Sampai member aku cakap..

"Lea ni, tiap-tiap kali pukul 9.00 pagi mesti pergi toilet.. kau ada masalah perut ker?"

hahaa.. jawapan aku?

"Agak ahh.. perut aku suka meragam setiap kali pukul 9.00 pagi.. "

Motif aku pergi toilet besar tu, sebabnya aku tak suka toilet kat level.. kotor.. and tak ada cermin.. nak duduk pun tak lalu. Pastu scary pulak tu kalau sorang-sorang.. nak-nak toilet level 2.. sebelah dgn library.. mmg tak mungkin la aku pergi toilet level 2 tu...

Oklah...

tu je lah kot buat masa skrg..

Banyak sangat aku nak cerita... nanti aku free, aku cerita lagi..

Rindu sangat zaman sekolah ke aku nie aaa?

Bye! dah maghrib!

Nostalgia Zaman Sekolah Menengah #2

2010-12-14T20:28:00.003+08:00

*kringggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg.....* bunyi loceng sekolah membingit dalam lubang telinga. Tapi tak pe. Bunyi yang paling akhir adalah bunyi yang paling aku suka. Tak kira aku la, orang lain pun suka..

Kalau takda detention class, aku balik rumah. Mak menanti depan sekolah.

Kalau ada, haruslah stay back..

Kalau ada duty kat library, pun kena stay back sampai petang juga.

"Make sure awak siapkan homework.. Next week hantar..." cakap cikgu BM. Ada yang mengambil hati dgn mendengar. Tapi tentu-tentu hati-otak semua orang dah ada atas katil kat rumah dah.

"Ok.! Terima kasih cikgu!" semua orang keluar kelas. Mana yang bertugas kemas kelas, kena la stay dalam 5 minit.. Ala.. cincai concai jer sudah. Japgi, session lagi satu masuk, semak balik kan~ :p

Semua berpusu-pusu keluar kelas turun tangga laju2. Ada yang bas dah hon-hon kat depan. Ada yang parents dah tunggu kat depan pintu pagar sekolah. Ada yang nak pegi beratur kat kantin nak beli makanan Uncle tu.

Aku?

Kalau ada duty kat library.. aku pergi kantin dulu, pegi makan.. Lepastu baru pergi library.

Aku? Librarian? OK.. Boleh gelak puas-puas selama 5 minit.

Tujuan aku mula2 nak jadi librarian. Sebabnya aku suka bau buku-buku lama. Ngeh ngeh ngehh..

Pastu, aku suke cari buku-buku lama kat library belah dalam nun.. Kadang2 aku tgk, last orang pinjam pun tahun 80an... Itu pun satu cop je ade..

Duty paling aku suka adalah duk kat kaunter. Jadi tukang cop.

Duty paling tak best adalah jadi checker. Check budak2 yg keluar library. Aku terasa mcm pegawai Kastam je.

Start jadi librarian masa Form 2... sampaiiilaaaaa Form 4..

Awal Form 5, aku letak jawatan..

Sebabnya? Aku dicop "pelajar bermasalah" kat dalam dewan yang dipenuhi oleh seluruh Form 3, 4 and 5.

Best tak? Mengecop budak sebagai seorang "pelajar bermasalah" tanpa usul periksa?

Sebabnya tak pergi duty ..

Dari di-cop .. lepastu nak berkhidmat pulak lagi kan.. baik aku resign terus. :)

Almaklumlah, awal-awal tahun, ada sukan..

Aku pulak sibuk berkawad untuk rumah sukan.(Rajin berkawad semenjak join KRS form 4 and join pertandingan sampai peringkat negeri... tehee). Macam orang lain. Tapi, aku ganti juge tugas.. Cuma kadang-kadang aku terlupa nak tulis nama aku ganti tugas..

Jadi, jawapannya, aku letak laa jawatan.

Kesian kat guru penasihat library masa tu.. Dia tanya aku, "Kenapa awak nak letak jawatan pulak? Sayang jer lagi setahun.."

"Takpelah cikgu.. dah saya di-cop pelajar bermasalah.. Bukan saya tak buat tugas..."

Selepas-selepas itu,

aku dah tak pakai baju librarian dan. Kain merah, vest merah, baju kemeja putih, tie merah. huhuhu..

Aku mulai itu, adalah pemakai kain biru muda semula. :)

Tapi..

yang paling aku teringat .. adalahhh...

Satu petang tu.. aku tengah main-main tepi padang dgn kawan aku.. Tiba-tiba... Principle datang... panggil aku..

"Girl! Come over here...!" sambil gamit tangan dia panggil aku.. Aku dah cuak. Ape ke pulak aku dah buat? Berlari-larianlah dari tengah padang ke kereta dia...

"Yes Madam?"

"Why you tak tuck-in kemeja ni.?? Tie pun terbuka mcm ini... Come..." Dia suruh aku dekat sikit dengan dia and dia ketatkan tie aku..

HAHA.. Tak mau merah pulak pipi aku rasa.. panass je.. tersengeh2 aku kat dia macam kerang busuk..

"Sorry madam... Panas lah petang2.. hehe.. okay2.. I tuck-in sekarang...", jawab aku sambil tuck-in. =_="

Huhu.. kisah Principle sekolah aku betulkan tie tu mengingatkan aku dengan cerita TokWan aku.. Guru Besar sekolah yang orang panggil keramat hidup sebabnya dia baik nya tuhan je maha mengetahui... Atau dikenali sbg Cikgu Md. Rejab.

Yang studentnya sorang ni datang lambat kesekolah... dan dipanggil ke bilik guru besar(tokwan aku), punya kecut student sorang nie.. last2, tujuan dia adalah nak tolong ikat tali kasut terurai student yang datang lambat tu.

Sampailah student tu dah habis sekolah, dah tua.. dah jadi Ketua Pengarah Pendidikan.. dan siap dah pencen skrg nie and dia sampaikan dalam speech dia untuk pekerja Jabatan Pendidikan pada hari rasmi.. And he mentioned yang dia sure, anak Guru Besar dia ada didalam kalangan pendengar sekarang ni.. which is, Mak aku.. hihi.. lawak pun ade..

The thing is, sometimes teacher doesn't have to shout and yell or throw the books out of the window to be stern or strict on the students, you just have to touch their heart by just doing a simple tiny thing to make a change.

Huhu..

i miss school life..

Bye for now!

Nostalgia Zaman Sekolah Menengah #1

2010-12-14T03:23:00.001+08:00

"Maliaaaa.. bangunnnnnnnn! Dah lambat....", mak dah menjerit2 depan pintu bilik. Tak mau terkejut pulak aku dari tidur.

"aaaaa.....hmmmm. yeee....", tidur balik.

"BANGUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN..........", mak menjerit lagi. Bangunlah aku pun mencapai tuala dan pergi mandi sambil pejam mata.

"KEJAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP... Tengah susun bukuuuuu", aku jerit dari atas dan berlari turun tangga. Mak dah 10 minit panaskan enjin kereta.

"kjfaheriakjdnkuhreunjaksduheruahdukawe" radio Perak.Fm berkumandang kat radio. Aku? Mata je terbuka, tapi sebenarnya tgh tidur lagi. Tgk jam dah pukul 7.15 am. "GREAT!"

"Dah lambat nieeee! Cepatlaaa sikit...", aku bising...

"Sape suruh bangun lambat??", kata mak.

"Yang traffic light ni apekene? Green light dia baper saat je.. Red light dia.. kemain lagi lama! .. Yang jambatan ni, dah tau pagi-pagi buta mmg akan jammed, kenapa pegi bina jambatan ni kecik2.... Jammed laa.. Yang pagi-pagi buta ni jugak laa sume orang nak makan angin.. bawak slow slow..." pot pet pot pet pot pet aku membebel pepagi buta.

"Mak.. laju sikit makkk.. dah lambat..."

"Nak laju macam mane lagi??"

Sampai-sampai je....

"Oh great! Prefect dah tunggu... Sure kena detention class lagi..." kataku.

"Alahh.. baru pukul berape.. on time ni haa.. jam radio pun belum lagi 7.20am.."... kata mak sambil tersengih.

"Assalammualaikum mak.. Bye" sambil salam n cium tangan mak.

"Wa'alaikummusalam.." ...

Kaki aku melonglai je menuju ke pagar sekolah. Prefect dah sedia menunggu. Kadang-kadang yang menjaga adalah kawan aku, kadang-kadang senior, kadang-kadang junior, kadang-kadang... tak kenal pun sape. :p

Ape lagi.. mmg nama kena tulis lah.. And kena kutip sampah depan sekolah.. celah longkang sume lah. Huhu..

Nasib .. nak buat mcm mane..

Kadang-kadang aku sampai memang betul-betul kena denda..

Kadang-kadang aku sampai orang dah masuk kelas, aku selamatlah.. ngehngehngeh...

Kadang-kadang sampai waktu orang nyanyi lagu Negaraku, haruslah static depan pintu sekolah. Kalau berlari nak masuk dewan, tentu2 kena panggil dengan cikgu.

Kadang-kadang aku selamat juge berlari masuk celah orang ramai.. Kadang-kadang tak selamat, kena panggil. =_="

Detention class?

Adalah lepas waktu sekolah..

Tengoklah ... kena buat ape2.. kemas itu ini ke... buat itu ini kee.. macam kerja amal la jugak. Diawasi oleh pengawas sekolah..

=_+" ....

itu 2% kisah zaman sekolah menengah aku kot? huhu..

pasal Facebook lagi.

2010-12-12T17:28:00.004+08:00

Facebook is no longer a fun place to be at anymore.

Perubahan terbaru telah membuatkan semua orang dah malas nak update sangat dah kat Facebook.

Benda mcm ni memudahkan lagi stalker utk stalk kehidupan seseorang.

Letih la macam ni.

Nak shut down, tapi senang sikit nak contact dgn kawan2..

"Recent activity" telah memudahkan lagi untuk orang nampak apa yang telah kita comment kat orang lain. Okay, actually boleh je nak delete. Tapi kalau ada satu malam tu gigih bercomment dgn semua org sebab bosan nak mati kan, pastu jadi satu kerja nak delete one by one.

Tak syiok.. okay.. kalau rasa takde privacy, jgn ada Facebook la Lea! .. hahaa.. whining je manjang.

okay larh.

lantaklah ape org nak tgk ker.. nak kate ke.

i couldn't care less.

nak hide mcm mane sekali pun, kalau dah orang nak korek sekorek-koreknya sedalam-dalamnya, dia tetap akan korek dalam-dalam jugak. pastu mungkin orang mengorek tu akan mendapat kepuasan yang abadi bila dapat tau one little thing dan menjadi bahan untuk mengutuk.

teheee~

dah2. diam la Lea! tak payah nak update status sgtlah.. tak payah nak tulis blog sgt lah.. :p

ok. bai! nak main game online. huhu.. lagi best.

union jack

2010-11-08T03:07:00.002+08:00

why am i so obsessed with union jack's shirts?

i have union jack shirt.. union jack shoes. ok. what's next?

i'm craaazzzeeeyyyy over reblogging union jack's on tumblr. @_@

past, present, future

2010-11-07T15:22:00.000+08:00

are all the same.

give the same hurt.

bye.

missing things

2010-11-06T23:22:00.004+08:00

yeap. i yem missing this place..

i wish i could be there now.. and spend the whole holidays there.. two months... and i'll be effing tanned. weeeeeewuuuu.....

feel good?

2010-11-06T19:49:00.003+08:00

no.

facebook is no longer a fun place to be at anymore.

blogger is no longer a safe place to write my own things anymore.

i've deleted myspace long ago.

i don't do twitter anymore. (padahal seminggu jerh. pastu abandoned mcm tu jerh)

i don't do formspring anymore. (baru ada baper minggu, dah buang. rasa bosan.)

no fun.. no fun..

okeh. jom main game selama dua bulan!!!

saya tak peduli.. weeeeeeeeeeeee...

Hilang Identiti

2010-10-26T19:26:00.004+08:00

Hai kawan-kawan. Saya kembali setelah menyepikan diri dengan meng-private-kan blog. Tindakan itu adalah dilakukan atas sebab-sebab tertentu yang ter-amat munasabah. Kini, TORAA DATANG LAGIII.... dengan tajuk ....... (excuse my language, bahasa, grammar, tatabahasa, penanda wacana, campur aduk bahasa dan sebagainya seperti yang kita belajar dalam karangan SPM utk English/1119 dan Bahasa Melayu. Saya dah bertahun meninggalkan sekolah! T_T)

Kerana Facebook, Manusia Hilang Identiti

Kerana Facebook, kita terpaksa mengikut dan menurut kehendak "friends list". Samada mereka menyukai atau tidak, tidak kira dari segi status, atau gambar-gambar yang di-upload.

Kita hilang identiti. Kita terpaksa menurut kehendak orang lain dalam membentuk identiti di Facebook.

Menjaga reputasi itu penting. Seronok bersosial di laman sosial Facebook juga perlu ada kawalan.

Tetapi, apabila kita kadang-kala terpaksa mengawal to the lowest part of it.. Tensi ada disitu.

Perlu kisah dengan tukang melihat. Perlu kisah perasaan orang melihat.

Persoalannya sekarang. Bukanlah gambar-gambar yang ada itu telah meng-reveal ke-sexy-an tuan empunya badan mahupun menyentuh kehidupan sang penglihat.

Bukan ada tag seluruh penghuni Facebook untuk melihat pun. Sekadar memenuhi kepuasan diri sendiri dan berkongsi dengan apa yang dilakukan kepada sesetengah teman yang ingin mengikuti perkembangan.

Jika tidak suka melihat aktiviti seseorang didalam Facebook, didalam list "edit friends" ada fungsi "delete friend". Mudah.

Ada dua cara yang boleh dibuat. "Hide activity" individu itu atau simply delete that particular person.

By the way, what's the point of adding one if you tend to hate him/her?

Then don't add one at the first place. Just friggin' delete!

Saya sebagai seorang pengguna Facebook, tindakan menggunakan nama betul adalah telah dielakkan oleh sebab-sebab tersendiri.

Gambar-gambar tertentu telah di restrict kan hanya kepada sesetengah orang sahaja.

Perlakuan-perlakuan pengguna lain yang lebih suka menjadi individu/kumpulan yang suka mengkritik dan menjadi judgemental adalah diluar batasan.

Hobi suka meng-kritik tidak mengira apa sahaja yang orang lain lakukan adalah diluar kawalan. Mungkin juga perlakuan ini boleh dilabel sebagai sifat/sikap. Kerana ianya terlalu sebati dalam diri sesetengah kumpulan manusia didalam Facebook.

Meng-kritik manusia lain didalam Facebook berdasarkan gambar-gambar yang tidak seberapa gila, atau tidak seberapa memberi kesan terhadap kehidupan sesiapa bagaikan suatu masalah terhadap mata sang peng-lihat.

Apakah masalah sebenar mereka? Andai tidak suka, tindakan men-delete adalah sangat mudah seperti ABC.!

Facebook juga telah membuatkan pengguna berada didalam zone bahaya.

Terlalu meng-reveal informasi diri sendiri memudahkan manusia lain menjadi "stalker". Seperti yang telah saya google-kan untuk anda,

stalker
(stalkers plural )A stalker is someone who keeps following or contacting someone else, especially a famous person or a person they used to have a relationship with, in an annoying and frightening way

masalahnya sekarang, adakah individu itu, FAMOUS? Lucu disitu. Setiap pergerakan individu itu adalah diikuti malahan di-kritik, di-hentam, diberi nama yang pelbagai dan sebagainya.

Andai di-kritik secara positive adalah okay dan tidak mengapa. Tetapi, tindakan sesetengah kumpulan pengkritik adalah seperti ingin individu itu tidak langsung memuat-naik sebarang bentuk gambar tidak kira gambar itik, ayam mahupun kambing.

Kalau mengikuti tetapi bring no harm kepada manusia itu tidak mengapa. Tetapi, dikritik dan terganggu sang pengguna lain adalah satu masalah disitu.

Pengguna Facebook seolah-olah hilang Privacy.

Satu, mungkin sebab diri sendiri yang telah meng-expose-kan kehidupan mereka pada public sehingga boleh di-track oleh sesiapa.

Dua, segala apa yang telah diletakkan di ruang lingkup siber digunakan oleh orang lain untuk go against one. Atau erti kata lain, diguna-pakai-semula untuk menghentam tuan pemilik account.

Boleh dikatakan menggunakan Facebook ini lebih banyak negative dari positive.

Peratus dihentam adalah tinggi.

Peratus disayangi adalah .. takat 2% jer.

Peratus untuk sekadar me-release tension... adalah dalam 50%..

Statistik ni, dibuat secara suka hati saya. Tak ada rujukan kat mane2 pun. Jadi, perkara ini mungkin boleh dihentam oleh pembaca juga dalam terlalu ingin membetulkan fakta yang tak berapa nak fakta. Dalam erti kata lain, sekadar rasa seronok nak membetulkan mana yang salahnya sekecil kuman.

Jadi. Polisinya sekarang, adalah keteguhan pengguna Facebook itu sendiri.

Samada kuat atau tidak dalam menerima kritikan yang tak berapa nak membina atau dalam erti kata lain, lebih kepada nak mem-bashing.

Polisi pekakkan telinga, buat tidak tahu, dan meneruskan kehidupan tanpa kisah dengan apa yang orang nak kata juga boleh dilakukan.

Mulut tempayan boleh ditutup, tapi mulut manusia... staple nanti masuk lokap pulak.

Terlalu nak mengikut kehendak orang lain, diri sendiri entah kemana.

Itu tak suka, ini tak suka. Itu tak boleh, ini tak boleh.

Penerimaan tu adalah luas.

Lihat diri sendiri didalam cermin. Orang boleh terima kita atau tidak.

Kalau manusia lain boleh terima satu individu lain sebegitu rupa, why can't you?

Setiap manusia tak perfect. They have their own flaws. And the best thing is, they try to make themselves to someone better.

Those discourages unneeded comments won't make it any better, i mind you.

Lagipun, perfect sangat ke diri kita ni nak menghentam orang lain?

Manusia memang obses dalam mencari kesalahan orang.

Kerana satu benda salah, habis segala berjuta-juta kebaikan terpadam.

Selagi tidak mengganggu diri kita, buat apa nak pergi mengganggu hidup orang?

Atau konsentrasi anda yang terganggu?

Polisi-polisi yang tidak diiktiraf tapi diguna-pakai ada banyak. Seperti:

1) Shut Up and Read

2) Shut Up and Just Look

3) Mind Your Own Business

4) Get a Life instead of Bugging Others

5) Keep Your Comments to Yourself

6) If You Have Nothing Good to Say, Say Nothing

7) Stop Thinking Like Primitives.

8) Stop Being Fucktards

9) etc

p/s: saya adalah sedar bahawasanya, selepas ini, bakal ada RAMAI lagi manusia seisi alam yang akan menghentam saya di luar lingkup Blog ini disebabkan hasil penulisan yang bakal dikatakan BODOH ini. Seperti "tak payah nak tulis blog sangat larr", "tak payah nak update status sgt la", "tak payah nak upload gambar sangat la", dan sebagainya.

Makanya, motif penggunaan Blog, dan Laman Sosial yang wujud di rangkaian internet adalah tidak berguna lagilah kalau begitu. Makanya, berambuslah segala pelusuk manusia jangan guna internet lagi. Jangan guna Laman Sosial. Jangan guna blog. Malahan, Tutup blog saya dan jangan kunjungi lagi.

Andai kata ada yang tersinggung, saya minta maaf. Tetapi, isu ini semakin berleluasa.

Satu hiburan menjadi satu isu serious. Perkara yang tidak ada kena mengena dengan sesiapa sama ada hidup atau yang mati, menjadi isu terbesar atas muka bumi secara tiba-tiba.

Makanya, mungkin selepas ini akan timbul, "kau ingat aku bodoh ke tak paham kau tuju kat sapa". Okay.

Siapa makan cili, dia akan terasa pedas.

Tak suka, sudah, balik Kedah, nama Dollah, tetekmu sebelah.

Kita semua adalah sama sahaja.

Jadi peribahasa orang putih telah berkata, "A pot calling the kettle, Black!" adalah sesuai diguna-pakai.

Jadi.. sekiranya ini berlaku...

peribahasa orang melayu pula ada berkata.. "Anjing salak bukit, bukit tak runtuh.." tapi saya nak tambah belakang.. "Anjing salak bukit, bukit tak runtuh... Anjing yang sakit tekak" ..

Bukan nak menegakkan benang yang basah ke ape.

Tapi.. dengan bahasa kasarnya, "lu lu, gua gua..."

Alah.. mesti ada yang nak menghentam punya.. Cakap belakang boleh lah.. cakap depan, ramai2.. kuatlah... cuba sorang-sorang.. cakap depan-depan..

Judgemental

2010-10-07T16:04:00.003+08:00

Semua orang pandai berbual.

Semua orang suka mem-bashing orang lain.

Kalau kesalahan orang lain, nun jauh seberang laut kemain lagi nampak.

Kalau kesalahan sendiri betul-betul atas hidung, apa pun tak nampak.

Sudah-sudahlah nak menjadi JUDGEMENTAL.

chill sudah..

Just fucking keep it to yourself.

Lu kalau tak puas hati, cakap depan-depan.

Takyah jadi pengecut cakap belakang serupa mcm you don't even have the balls.

Lu, kalau lu sekali jatuh, lu tau la ape rasa..

Dunia ni bulat..

Memang lu dah lama ada atas.. tapi lu kena ingat.. lu tak selamanya kat atas.. esok lusa, Allah bagi lu duk bawah bagi lu rasa mcm mane hidup kat bawah.

Gua nak cakap..

apa yang terlintas kat hati lu... Allah tahu.. Allah tu Maha Mengetahui.. Sedetik perasaan negative dalam hati kau tu wujud... Allah tahu.

Gua nak ingatkan lu.. Allah tu dekat dihati kita lebih dari nadi kita sendiri..

Jadi.. lu tu dah la tak kenal dalaman orang lain cam mane.. takyah la jadi judgemental sangat..

Lagi satu..

Gua bukan alim ulama' yang tahap SUFI macam korang..

tapi.. sejahil-jahil gua.. gua sedar diri...

Lu cakap ar ape2 pun pasal org lain..

gua nak ingatkan lu.. lu bukak kitab.. lu baca abes2 dulu sblm judging orang tak tentu hala....

kutuk-kutuk orang...

LU TAKKAN MATI SELAGI LU TAK BUAT APE YG LU KATA KAT ORANG YG LU KUTUK TU..

KORANG TAKKAN MATI SELAGI LU TAK BUAT...

rasa ini

2010-10-04T02:53:00.002+08:00

kehadapan diri sendiri,

berpijaklah dibumi yang nyata
ada akar yang memaut dikaki kamu

terbang terhalang
berjalan tersangkut
berdiri menyakitkan
duduk apatahnya lagi

wahai diri sendiri
hidup jangan menyusahkan orang
butakan mata
pekakkan telinga
bisukan mulut
biar hati sahaja berbicara

wahai diri sendiri
andai yang tinggal hanya hati
sucikan hati
jangan mendustakan yang nyata
tapi beralahlah demi kebaikan

wahai diri sendiri
cukup-cukuplah memaut dileher orang
mampukan mana yang tidak mampu
semua diantara kita mampu
apatah lagi kamu

wahai diri sendiri
biar apa pun terjadi
jangan berpatah balik
kaki kamu sudah hampir ke garisan penamat

wahai diri sendiri
ingat pesan sang dewasa
kamu masih ada akal diri sendiri
itu yang membezakan diri kamu

:|

2010-09-29T21:23:00.000+08:00

i hate last minute assignment.

Thank you very much. Really appreciate it.

Hey you.. yea.. you...

2010-09-22T04:19:00.002+08:00

25.You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby. on the other words,protective, responsible. - taken from Ain's blog. :)

I LOVE YOU, Dear! ^__^

Teheeeeeeee....

Ignorance is bliss.?

2010-09-08T01:46:00.000+08:00

Never ignore a person who loves and cares for you. One day you may realize you've lost the moon while counting the stars.

penat

2010-09-06T21:05:00.002+08:00

aku dah penat...

penat nak menjaga hati perut orang lain

aku dah penat...

penat nangis sampai mata kering kontang dah..

tinggal dia je nak faham ke tidak apa yang aku cuba nak buat sekarang ni..

menggelegak

2010-09-05T02:59:00.002+08:00

gua bara betol arh kali ni..

berasap2 gua rasa atas pale ni..

slow2 jantung gua ditekan2 sakit..

gua penat ar kena tindas..

kecik-kecik gua tgk lu..

gua sabar gak..

gua lek jer tunggu..

dah biar lama.. lu naik atas kepala gua main ting-ting plak..

kalau lu tak cibai.. lu mmg kiwak.. perangai ar lu..

tu jer..

bye..

Fakta #1 Lea Shariff

2010-08-29T03:26:00.003+08:00

Sejak kecik.. Aku naik basikal tak boleh pusing kiri. Gayat.

Taktau pesal. yang aku ingat. maybe sebab penah jatuh yang stok maha dasyat.. sampai gigi patah. Balik rumah, kayuh basikal laju2 sambil nangis2..

mulut and baju penuh darah macam baru lepas kena belasah yang orang sume usyar kesian....

Yang Satu Itu

2010-08-26T04:00:00.003+08:00

Sekurang-kurangnya, pernah sekali aku mencariNya dalam hidup aku .

Demi bulan aku yang satu ini .

aku mencari aku .

aku selongkar balik sastera Yang Satu Itu .

dan betapa kecilnya aku .

hm . . .

berat tapi bahagia. ;')

in silence

2010-08-24T12:36:00.005+08:00

To Thee I am Kneeling,
I look in the dark
Nothing I can see
Except Your name, O God
Tomorrow or later
Forgive all my fault
Protect me from Any slander
You're where I Pray
You give me happy
Make me Your servant that always repent
Forgive me ,O God
Which always forget you
When you bestowed your gift
In silence I kneeling

kematian

2010-08-23T14:16:00.002+08:00

hari ini ada kematian kat bilik.

aku celik-celik mata dah tengah hari.. menuju ke arah meja aku untuk kemas meja.

tiba-tiba aku nampak ke arah tingkap yg menghadap kearah jalan..

dia tersekat..

aku terus menjerit menggelupur menuju kearah eleena yg masih baring atas katil..

aku menjerit gila-gila babi punye jerit.

sampai aku tak sedar aku dah ternangis..

aku tau2 dah basah mata..

aku tak tau nak buat ape.

aku takut sangat..

aku panggil bilik depan.

and suruh tengok juge..

trap yg kitorang pasang untuk cicak tu menjadi..

kitorang letak umpan.. kurma dan munchini roll tu..

dia tersekat separuh badan kat trap tu..

arghh!

geli nak mati sebab dia hidup lagi..

lalu levelmateku sis ad.. telah menolong mengangkat kotak trap tu..

malangnya dia masih hidup.. menggelupur.

argh.. dia masih hidup.. dan aku nampak mata dia tgk aku..

lalu, sis ad spray beliau.. sehingga keras. :D

okay. sekarang dah lega.

binatang yg menghantui hidup kami dah selamat keras dalam tong sampah..

berdosa tak bunuh cicak dibulan puasa?

at the edge of the world

2010-08-21T21:37:00.004+08:00

i'm just another writer.....

penulis sampah yang tak termasuk dalam mana-mana buku...

tukang penggambar sampah dalam kumpulan tersuci aku...

i'm just a stain in other's circles... a flaw in everyone's perfectness...

i'm just another trash...

another trash in other's life...

the uninvited is me..

the unloved is me..

the unneeded is me..

the unseen.

the unheard. of course. it's always been me..

akulah binatang jalang dari kumpulan yang terbuang itu.

sisa yang tinggal hanyalah untuk yang teristimewa..

if only one knows

dari sehari ke sehari

aku mempertongkat senyum

aku mempertongkat tawa

aku mempertongkat segalanya

sedang setiap zarah aku mereput

dari sehari ke sehari

just to find the tremendous happiness in making others happy..

selagi ada sisa..

sehingga gumpalan darah terakhir aku

sehingga nafas yang aku pinjam terakhir ini

hanya menanti yang satu itu.

yang satu itu.

which to follow?

2010-08-18T14:02:00.002+08:00

i've met a few doctors.

with different advice ..

and i'm confuse. which to follow?

sume doctor nak compete kan..

and they love to assume.

yea~

so. ok.

bye.

sharing

2010-08-18T00:59:00.002+08:00

share the laughter, share the tears?

i don't know.

maybe for the laughter. not for the tears.

let me hold the pain myself. i don't want to affect other people's life.

goodnight.

love you all.

again

2010-08-17T14:08:00.003+08:00

i bleed again . :(

this time, with a huge amount of blood.

i don't feel all right.

and my stomach is aching.

and this no period pain.

i've met a few doctors.

with plenty of assumptions.

and i'm sick of it.

assuming what i'm facing with.

i'm done..

i've nothing more to say ..

alive

2010-08-09T00:21:00.001+08:00

i'm glad that i bleed.

from that i know that i'm still alive.

don't you worry

2010-08-06T23:51:00.001+08:00

i won't touch your life again.

i won't mention your name again.

what do you expect from me anyway.

happy la kau kan?

2010-08-01T00:40:00.004+08:00

dah add aku

dah tgk life aku

dah puas tgk sume benda pasal aku kat facebook...

pastu kau remove aku kan?

THANKS A LOT, FRIEND!

patutla mcm pukimak je bila jumpa kau aritu . aku siap senyum angkat tangan . kau leh buat mcm aku ni invisible je kan.

maybe sbb aku ni lawa sgt sampai kau tak nampak kot .

sape tah yg tahan dari kau membunuh orang masa dulu tah.!!

kalau tak, dengan aku2 sekali tertikam gunting yg kau baling dulu...

kalau dah benci aku, tak yah add la weh. remove aku ramai2.

puas ati korang kan?

stop motion

2010-07-30T22:11:00.000+08:00

assignment baru saya...

susah. :( help!

rasa ini

2010-07-26T20:49:00.001+08:00

hati mati.takbest.takseronok.kecewa.tahlah.................................................

rasaxmauidup.

Susah hati

2010-07-26T12:36:00.002+08:00

Shutter camera jammed. Perlu diservice.

Assignment makin menimbun.

Semua memerlukan camera.

Bila semua ni nak berakhir????

Rasa nak marah. tapi tak tau nak marah kat sapa. melainkan diri sendiri.

Bye.

new semester with new type of headache

2010-07-24T15:46:00.008+08:00

Currently not feeling very well.

I'm back here in Ipoh. Am not feeling quite well since few days back. Sampai masuk air. Ala. Sakit biasa je. Yang penting ada MC. Itu lagi penting. ;) yeehaa!

Thanks to my other half tolong hantar, ambil, bwk cari bubur sepanjang saya sakit, melayan kerenah saya yang ngade2 sambil gigil2 kesejukan dengan muka hijau.

ok. ini adalah paling teruk sekali editing yg pernah saya buat. main tempek je. skrg, saya faham perasaan kina yg dicucuk2 satu badan selalu. saya pun dah lama tak buat medical check up mcm dulu2. hihi.. -.-"

Saya adalah part 4 this semester. Subject adalah susah.

Credit hour pun banyak.

Ada subject fashion, subject photojournalism, digital imaging II, graphic design II.

Paling takut, subject fashion, digital imaging and graphic design.

Contoh assignment graphic design II terbaru saya?

Saya kena buat mcm ni. Mati tak kena tunggu dari siang sampai malam di tempat yang sama static? Untuk melihat time lapse ini. Ouh takut.

Lagi?

Sama ada saya kena buat seperti Vancouver City tadi... atau yang bawah ini.

sume ini boleh dilihat di http://www.fotozeitraffer.de/fotozeitraffer_Natur_startseite.htm

Germans memang creative giler.. hebat ! cube tgk yg Snails. geli. tapi cool.

takut kan... jenuh nak tunggu. kalau buat mcm bunga ni, ada 50 mm tak pe juger. siap ada setting lighting lawa lagik..

and saya kena jaga bunga baik2 la. siram hari2 supaya tumbuh. bukan supaya layu. ;p

Atau saya nak buat pertumbuhan seekor rama-rama ? Pertumbuhan ke?

ini semua adalah perlu dijalankan didalam Macromedia Director 8.5 MX... okay. saya tak terel. Macam ne?

hihi.

okay.

Untuk subject Digital Imaging II, kena buat Typography.

Ape itu Typography?

jom pegi google kat deviantart. antara contoh2 typography yg lawa2.

this is the example laa.. took it from http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=typography&order=9&offset=24#/drww8v

tapiiiii... assignmentnya adalah, perlu buat landscape typography.......... jadi, wahai Adobe Illustrator ku, janganlah buat hal. :)

sekarang, saya adalah memulas otak untuk fikir bagaimana nak buat landscape typography ituuuuuuu.. saya tak sehebat rakan-rakan graphic sayaaa......... T_T nanges dengan pilu skrg...

okey.

Sekian!

Doakan saya cepat sehat supaya dapat buat assignment cepat.

Doakan saya tak muntah selepas makan lagi dah supaya saya dapat menggemuk dengan girang.

Doakan saya supaya dapat membuahkan idea yg creative sikit. Otak tepu tak creative lansung. :p

what's the point

2010-07-15T11:55:00.001+08:00

what's the point of deleting and blocking if you are still following?

Bangkit Semula

2010-06-23T02:07:00.001+08:00

1. Satu hari nanti, bila tiada orang yang teringin nak berkawan dengan kamu. Ingatlah. Ada satu orang lagi yang ada untuk diri kamu. Iaitu, AKAL kamu sendiri. Bersahabatlah dengan AKAL kamu sendiri dahulu sebelum yang lain. You will always have yourself when no one turn on you.

2. Bangkit. Bangkit dari tidur. Bangkit dari mimpi indah. Yang pada hakikatnya, realiti tak seindah mimpi. Bangkitlah dari kekecewaan kamu. Bangkit dari kesedihan kamu. Kamu pernah dengar orang cakap "lupakan kenangan lalu". Orang bukan sengaja-sengaja sebut. Tapi ada makna disebaliknya. Lupakan kenangan manis dulu yang menyakitkan diri sekarang. Bangkit dari kenyataan. Hidup tak seindah yang kita inginkan. Terlalu mengingat perkara lama boleh bawa penyakit hati. Maafkan orang itu penting. Maafkanlah sidia. Tapi, usah dilupa apa yang dilakukan. Sekadar peringatan diri, supaya tak menjadi seperti dia atau sekadar tidak mahu dia berlaku pekara yang serupa.

3. Tak salah untuk bermimpi. Tapi, jangan letak harapan terlalu tinggi. Biarlah bersederhana. Jangan tidak mengharap lansung. Jangan juga terlalu tinggi. Nanti, tiadalah kita terlalu kecewa.

4. Setiap manusia harus diberi peluang kedua. Tapi ingatlah, dah diberi peluang kedua. Jangan sampai diulangi perkara yang sama. Kalau ya? Bodohlah kamu.

5. Jangan lupa jaga diri. Jagalah hati. Ini bukan saja2 sebut. Tapi sungguh. Jagalah hati diri sendiri. Jangan biar hati sendiri disakiti. Jangan benarkan diri kau terseksa. Makan jaga, mandi jaga, hati pun jagalah tahu?

6. Bila tiada tempat mengadu. Kamu sentiasa ada satu tempat yang sentiasa terbuka untuk kamu. Dia Maha Mendengar. Dia Maha Mengetahui. Dia lebih tahu kesedihan hati kamu. Dia berada lebih dekat dihatimu lebih dari nadi kamu sendiri. Adulah pada Dia. Rajuklah hati pada Dia. Sesungguhnya, cium sejadah, sujud padaNya, menadah tangan padaNya diiringi doa-doa yang mengalir di pipi kamu lebih menenangkan hati kamu.

7. Cintai diri sebelum kamu cintai orang lain. :)

8. Sudah! Bangkit sekarang. Sapu air mata itu. Tarik nafas baru dalam-dalam. Hembus nafas yang semalam. Kamu sudah baru sekarang. Cepat cari kehidupan bahagia.

9. Ingat satu perkara lagi. Dia takkan beri ujian pada kita kalau Dia tahu kita tak mampu hadapinya. Kita diberi ujian sebab Dia tahu kita mampu tanganinya. Andai segala musibah, masalah manusia dapat harungi, maka naiklah satu martabat seseorang manusia itu. Bersabarlah menghadapi dugaan. Dia lebih mengetahui yang terbaik untuk kamu. :)

ps:/ aku tak sempurna nak beri kata-kata. kalau tak perlu, tinggalkan. kalau rasa nak ambil, ambillah. aku sekadar nak beri semangat baru untuk kamu bangkit semula. jangan ambil bulat2. aku bukan manusia sempurna. aku pun kadangkala terlupa. aku selalu alpa. aku pun sama. sebab bukan dahi sendiri yang merasa hantuknya. tapi, mengubah diri kearah lebih baik dari semalam itu sudah menjadi satu usaha.

Happy Father's Day

2010-06-20T00:24:00.002+08:00

to all of the fathers in the whole wide world. to the above, to the ground, and to the underground.

I miss my Ayah.

only Al-Fatihah could only make him smile i guess.

I miss how he come back from his workplace, and I'll open the door for him. I took off his socks. He didn't ask me too. But I do it on purpose. Just to make a doughnut socks. He will smile and stroke his hand on my head.

I miss how he asks me to take him a glass of plain water. I was naughty. I'll take a sip of it before I arrived.

I miss how he fetch me from kindergarten school and took me to his workplace.
I still remember I was crying the whole day at kindergarten school just because I got kissed by two boys. The evening, I was happy again to see him.

He will dress me up in jeans, t-shirts while my mom will dress me in gowns, skirts etc.

I miss when I was 8. The first day of my 8 years old school was accompanied by my Ayah and Mak. Ayah was there just to fix my tudung. That was the first time I wore it. Comot. A year before, I wore pinafore. I wore pinafore on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday but Baju Kurung on Friday. Hehe. I miss him.

Little did I know, he was already sick when I was 8. April 11th, 1998 was the day Allah took him away from us.
What a shocking Subuh to hear that we've lost our father.
His stage 4 lung cancer can't be treated anymore.
I cried till I can't even flow any tears anymore.

He's the greatest father in the world for me.
There are too many reasons why we love our dad more than any man in this world. We are the only one who knew why we love him so much.

No one can replace a father like him. And I'm glad he's irreplacable.

I love Ayah.

May Allah bless him.
May he rest in peace.
May Allah be with him.
May he placed with all the pious and righteous and those devoted people to God.

Al-Fatihah is the only thing I could send to him now.

Al-Fatihah Ayah. We miss you.

I miss you.

Foolish

2010-05-13T23:03:00.002+08:00

oh how foolish i was..

one told me just now how foolish i acted..

yes i admit.

how foolish i was to stay.

why weren't you there to stop me?

why weren't you there to tell me straight to my face i acted fool?

thanks for being honest to me.

i admit that i regret.

3 years for nothing.

Hey Taylor!

2010-04-26T21:28:00.002+08:00

Taylor Swift: Hey Taylor!
Taylor Lautner: Hey Taylor..!

Taylor Swift: I love you Taylor..

Taylor Lautner: I love you too, Taylor...

Confuseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee........

Anon: Taylor!

Taylor Swift & Taylor Lautner: Yeah?

Anon: No.. I'm talking to you...
Taylor Swift & Taylor Lautner: Who? Me?

Anon: =_="

Merepekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkklaaa kan aku nie..

Bosan sebenarnya..

My Blog valuation

2010-04-21T23:57:00.003+08:00

Huhuhuhu.. Dah lama tak update blog nie. Dah berhabuk dah pun.. thinking of shutting it down sebab dah ada Tumblr.

BTW... banyak ni je value blog aku. Hek2.

Takleh challange Ed KPTM punye blog yg bernilai dalam Rs. Hebat Ed! Famous kau di India. Bangga aku...!

Don't Be Sad

2010-04-02T17:36:00.002+08:00

"Sometimes, God breaks our spirit to save our soul. Sometimes, He breaks our heart to make us whole. Sometimes, He sends us pain so we can be stronger. Sometimes, He sends us failure so we can be humble. Sometimes, He sends us illness so we can take better care of our selves. Sometimes, He takes everything away from us so we can learn the value of everything we have."

there'll be no further ado from me

2010-03-31T13:47:00.000+08:00

i am done

Lama

2010-03-12T11:59:00.005+08:00

Lama dah tak post entry. I am so sorry..

Kadang-kadang, kita terlukakan hati orang yang paling rapat dengan kita.

Kalau 'kita' tu adalah aku... Aku mintak maaf.

Bunyi macam senang je minta keampunan. Tapi jujur dari hati aku cakap..

Kadang-kadang aku lalai, lupa tentang orang yang ingat aku.

Bukan mungkin lagi dah. Tapi memang salah aku..

I AM REALLY SORRY..

My bad.

Sakit?

2010-02-13T17:12:00.000+08:00

Agaklah..

sikit.

nun hujung dalam hati....

tersedik...

Tak Perlu Kot Cakap Macam Tu??

2010-01-30T17:56:00.002+08:00

Hormat tu perlu dicari.. Hormat takkan datang bergolek je camtu kat kaki sendiri.

Kalau nak orang lain hormat kau, you have to do the same thing first if you want the same thing in return.

And, aku rase, tak perlu kot nak cakap macam tu sekalik...

Janganla sesuka hati nak underestimate orang lain.. jangan sekali2 mendoakan orang tak lepas Dip ke ape ker.

Diri sendiri pun tgh berjalan atas benang.. Deg tak abes pun lagi kot?

If sudah pun.. jangan terlalu mendabik dada dengan apa yang ada dalam tangan.

Jangan suka2 hati nak judge orang stock gila2 babi kalau engko sendiri tak tau ape yg aku or orang lain tgh lalui or tgh buat.

FITNAH TU DAH JATUH DOSA KO TAU?

Pedulik hape aku umur ko berapa... ada aku kesah pulak?

The Three Words

2010-01-18T03:11:00.001+08:00

I hate you.

kadang2

2010-01-07T09:38:00.001+08:00

rasa rindu jugak~

but to think of the dark side ...

segalanya mati~

tahlah.

nanti pikir...

The Pages of My Life along 2009

2009-12-31T14:08:00.004+08:00

Looking back at the pages of my life back then, I can see how fragile I am in dealing with problems. Too many things I suffered. Too many things I hold on to. Too many things I've been patience with. I lived, I cried, I laughed. The friends that comes and went away. The bond in the families we tied. The one we love the most, who have gone. Everything.. The bittersweets of 2009.

I'll be 20 next year. No more 'teen' at the back of my age anymore and it feels like... I'm ..... old. Hehehh..

The happiness we had together all the way of 2009... will be remembered. always...

Let's make a new chapter of our life. Let's make a new resolution. Let's make it right.. and make it happen. We'll be more serious in our studies this semester. Well, being helpful to friends and the honesty in friendship is never a waste. Believe me. It'll help you by the end of the day. You'll feel the feeling of being loved by your friends when you're being faithful to them. It never fails... for me. And the bless from the families too.!

Early of 2009 did brought us some sadness. Yes, too many things happened in the blink of eyes. And the end of 2009... brought me a satisfaction of the suffocation I've faced all the way of 2009.

Anyway.

Bye-bye sweet 2009... and WELCOME 2010!

Happy New Year, Everybody!!

May Allah bless you all!

Words that I don't get to tell...

2009-12-22T05:10:00.000+08:00

"I never showed you.. I assumed you'd always be there. Well, I thought you'd always be there. And I took your presence for granted.. But I always cared and I miss the love we shared"

Just a simple and short words for others to see.
But I really really really mean it. (that's three 'really' tauu)

It's hard to forget the people we love the most.
And the most pain part is, that we don't even get the time to tell them that we love them.

We thought they'd be there .. always ..
but they're not.
We sees them .. everyday... we thought they could live forever..
and I thought.. I'd die before them. So that I won't feel the pain of being left.. forever.

Being left for dead is the most pain thing that everyone could ever feel.

The problem with me is.. it's kind of hard for me to show the love.. to tell them how much i love them.. to tell them how scared i am to be left.. forever.

to the people who have gone.. forever..
mostly, i don't even get the chance to tell them, how much i love them...literally..
i don't even know whether they knew how deep i love them all.
if only they could understand the things that i've done is to show how much i love them..

if only they knew..
and if only i knew that they would leave tomorrow forever..
i would have done the things that i never did to them..
to take care of them.
to bring them a cup of coffee..
to pull off their socks off their feet..
to serve them food.
to comb their hair..

to tie him a tie..
to iron his clothes.
to make him giggle..
to make him smile..
to make him proud of me..
to make him sees what i've achieved in my life.
to let him know that he have raise us well.. very well..

if only..
i knew he'd leave.

if only..
i knew that she'd leave too ..
i would've come back earlier than everybody else.
i would've gave up the things i've been holding on..
just to see her face for the very last time..
just to see her breathe for the very last time..
just to see her looking into my eyes..
just to feel her hands touches mine..
just to feel her hands strokes on my forehead..
just to hear.. that she'd say.. she love me ..
and just to hear.. what i've done to her all this while is enough for her..
and last but not least. to say that i;m sorry for not having the chance to full fill her dreams..

i regret for repeating the same mistakes..
the mistakes that i can't change.

what is it with me..
why is it so hard for me to tell them how much i love them, how much i need them in my life.
i appreciate their living. yes i do..

i hope they'd understand..
though i don't spill the love with words..
i do it by actions...
i hope they knew.

i'll always pray for them..

Departed but etched in my heart forever.

Al-Fatihah to arwah Ayah and Opah..
Though I can't tell you both how much I love you literally while you're alive, my prayers will always be the only things to show and tell how much I love you and how much I appreciate your living ...

The saddest kiss happened when I kissed the cold skin on your forehead -for the last time and to know that there won't be any reaction...

Result oh Result

2009-12-11T23:27:00.003+08:00

Menunggu penuh debaran...

Syukur Alhamdulillah.

Selepas segala dugaan dan rintangan yang aku hadapi sepanjang sem.
Dengan stress, dengan tangisan, dengan mcm2 hal nyer lagi.
Gangguan-gangguan sebelum exam lagi.

Phew~
Lega.
Cukup untuk buat aku tersenyum sebelum tidur sepanjang minggu.

Congratulations kepada Dean's Listers.
Congratulations too to my friends... Semua lulus2 dengan bagusnye(skema gile ayat)..

Terima kasih kepada Mak Aji, and adik beradik :) .
Terima kasih kepada kawan-kawan, kawan-kawan baik, kawan-kawan tak berapa baik, kepada lecturer2 serta mak cik cleaner, makcik dobi, pakcik and makcik kat kedai makan kat Kelemak, abang and kakak kat Dining Temenggung & Shahbandar, tukang masak Amirah Tomyam kat cafe, kepada 7-Eleven kat Kelemak for ice-cream aftermeal, kepada levelmate yang huha menghiburkan hati, kepada pak guard and mak guard UiTM.. hehehe... Terima kasih semua.

haaahaa..(actually dah karang text ucapan terima kasih ni lama dah sewaktu kebosanan awal sem arituh dengan Eleena dlm bilik. Katanya nak buat ucapan camni kalau dapat result bagus n dL..... ngeh3..)

okelah. Bye2!